Today’s Topic:
The Michael Jackson Trial

Point: Michael Jackson is Guilty.
by Aaron Bleyaert

Michael Jackson is guilty. It's as simple and tragic as that.

Like many others my age, I grew up in the 80's. I used to listen to the radio constantly, and would love to sing along when The King Of Pop came on the jambox. Jackson's catalog might as well have been a soundtrack to my own life; Beat it, Bad, Thriller, Don't Stop Til You Get Enough. The list goes on and on. There is no question that the man is a musical genius; it's just too bad that he touches little boys. Oops! Did I say that out loud?

Listen; I know that it's hard to accept (pun intended), but it's true. Think about it people - this is the fourth time that MJ has been caught in the shallow end of the pool. The fourth time. I mean, okay. I guess you have to take into account that Jacko is a weird guy. He bought the elephant man bones, slept in a hyperbaric chamber for most of the 80's, and hangs out with monkeys and giraffes, but still. If you get burned by a stove once, you don't put your hand back on the stove - no matter how weird you are. He got caught sleeping with a little boy once - wouldn't that be enough times for an innocent man? I mean, if his intentions were really naive and innocent, you would think that the law stepping in that first time would make him think twice about doing it again. But no! He does it again, and gets caught. Then he does it again, and gets caught. And then twice more! What other explanation could there be? Jackson loves to jack it... And by "It" I mean the penises of underage children. Right?

Mr. Jackson explains away these cases of alleged child molestation by saying that he loves being around children and hanging out with kids. Okay, fine. I mean, that's weird and everything, but I guess I'll buy it. If that's true, then why didn't he stop the strange behavior once he had children of his own? I mean, if he's all about "hanging out with kids" and "reliving his childhood", then why isn't he content to do it with his own children? Why does he have to include strange kids in his activities? Oh wait; I know the answer: Because he doesn't want to blow his own kids. I mean, the guy built a gigantic theme park to lure kids to his "Neverland Ranch". If that isn't a huge fucking neon sign that reads "Weirdo Child Molester Man" I don't know what is.

So the jury must ask themselves: Are these the actions of an innocent man? Or are these the actions of a pedophile? I say the latter. Michael Jackson is guilty.

Mr. Bleyart is a writer and performer living in New York. For upcoming performances, write to aaronandtonycomedy@hotmail.com

Counterpoint: Michael Jackson is Totally Fucking Guilty.
by Miss "Stereolabrat"

Listen, I don’t fucking give a shit if Michael Jackson is a “musical genius,” the King of Pop. In my mind, the King of Pop is Dr. Pepper. In fact, Dr. Pepper is the King Shit of Fuck Mountain of Pop. Michael Jackson is just a child-fucker. A deranged and delusional child-fucker, i.e. one who fucks children. In the ass. Deep and dry. Michael Jackson isn’t just guilty, he’s way motherfucking guilty. Guilty to the extreme. A Guilty McGuilterson.

I don’t care that he can write a sweet love song. Or that he can sing. Or that he can grab his crotch and spin a dozen times. He’s a child-fucker. Screw the gas chamber or the chair, give him the Iron Maiden. Like, literally. Put him in a room with Iron Maiden and we’ll see who can’t stop ‘till he gets enough.

Yes, Mr. Blayeart—this is the fourth time that “MJ has been caught in the shallow end of the pool.” But the key word here is “caught”. Do you know how many other times he preyed on creamy, satin-soft eight-year-old testicles and buttocks and got away with it? About 1,124.5 times. (The .5 is from when he got hard but couldn’t shoot). And Mr. Blayeart, you fat fuck, why would you think Jacko doesn’t jack his own kids? Each night they read Thomas the Tank Engine and then Daddy fingers their cornholes. Then later they go down to the kitchen and have ice cream. And when I mean “go down” I mean “unzip Daddy’s leather pants” and when I mean “kitchen” I mean “genital region plus the taint and anus” and when I mean “ice cream” I actually do mean ice cream. Michael Jackson keeps a pint of Chubby Hubby in his pants. This is to keep the swelling down in his balls. Also kids are stupid and love ice cream. They’ll eat that shit off the floor if they could. Or off of Michael Jackson’s dick. And while we’re on the subject, Mr. Blayeart can
use a little less Chubby Hubby. That shit doesn’t fly with the ladies.


So Michael Jackson keeps the Elephant man in his closet. He sleeps in an oxygen tank. He married Lisa Marie Presley but didn’t fuck her (although can you blame him? Her face is busted, plus she has no testicles and isn’t eight years old). He probably fucked Bubbles the monkey, “just to see what it was like.” He has this creepy ranch to lure children in to his crotch. But is that so wrong? You fucking bet it’s wrong. Give him the axe, I say. Cut off his wang.

Think of the children, goddammit, the children.

Ms. "Stereolabrat" is a girl. Her blog can be found here.