"Uh... I was just masturbating."
The lie sounded pretty, but the fact is I had actually been using the moisturizer not to pleasure myself, but rather to moisturize my face.
Yes, it's true. I moisturize.
To avoid confusion, let me say right now that I am not one of those so-called "metrosexuals" who prance around the city dressed in designer clothes that cost more than what I pay each month in rent, groceries, and utilities combined. I'm just a tee shirt and jeans guy. A man of the people. A regular guy, who just happens to moisturize his face each and every day.
So why do I do it? Simple. I have always felt that my face is a timeless work of beauty, and as such, it must be preserved for the enjoyment of our children and our children's children, or more specifically for our children's children's nubile young female peers. If putting a little bit of moisturizer on now will help me get a lot more action in my golden years, I'm all for it.
As is the case with most new things, it's taken me a little trial and error to figure out the proper way for a regular guy to moisturize. As a public service, I'm presenting my findings here, to help others achieve the moisturizing success that I have enjoyed. Basically, there are two concepts to understand: quality and quantity.
What are the qualities of a good moisturizer? First and foremost, it must not make you smell like a girl. Smearing cosmetic cream all over your face is emasculating enough. It won't make you feel any better about your level of manliness if you have to walk around all day smelling like baby powder.
Second, it must not be embarrassing to buy in the store. Regular guy moisturizing is largely misunderstood by the public at large, so it's a good idea not to buy something that comes in a bottle covered in flowers or other girly things.
Third, if you can find anything that moisturizes your face, but is called something manlier than "moisturizer", get that. It will make you feel a lot better about yourself if, rather than using "moisturizing cream" you use "men's triple-protecting face gel". Protecting things is manly, and triple protecting things is up to three times as manly. Also, it seems to me that "gel" is manlier than "cream", but opinions may vary on that.
I've used two products so far, one of which was terrible, the other marginally acceptable.
First bottle I saw at the drug store
Okay, you've bought your manly smelling and appearing bottle of men's face gel. Now it's time to hit the bathroom, and smear it all over your face.
So far, the only problem I've run into is putting too much of it on. If you go overboard, your face will gain a disgustingly oily appearance. Any phone you use will instantly be befouled by a viscous moisture and nutrient rich goo. Also, if you use too much, your hands will become quite slick, which can be a problem if you plan on picking up or touching anything at all for the remainder of the day. Take it easy.
Remember, the consistency of this stuff is just like mayonnaise. Imagine walking around with too much mayonnaise smeared all over your face, and you'll begin to get a sense why it's important to go easy with the moisturizer. In fact, it's probably a good idea to practice with a little mayonnaise before you move on to the real thing. Mayonnaise is much cheaper.
So, how do you make sure you don't use too much, but you use enough to actually make a difference? As far as I can tell, the benefits of moisturizer are largely psychological, so it doesn't really matter how little you use.
How exactly does one apply moisturizer to one's face? Just squirt a little bit on your hand, and then rub it into your skin until your face is as shiny and sticky as a freshly baked glazed donut. It's as simple as that.
I think these photos speak for themselves. After two months of moisturizing, I don't look any older.
So what do I intend to gain from all of this? Well, I'd like to live in a world where men are free to smear goo all over their faces without anyone casting aspersions on their manhood. I'd like to stride bravely into the drug store, plop my bottle of moisturizer on the counter, and only have to be embarrassed by the massive amounts of pornography I'm also buying.
Most of all, I'd like to stop lying to my friends. Next time one of them finds my bottle of moisturizer, I'd like it to be in a world where I can proudly say "Yes, I was masturbating. But I was also doing much, much more..."
Does this crazy dream of mine make me any less of a man? The answer is "yes". Yes it does.