My Interview with the Bat

by Edmund Osterman

Yesterday, I came home late at night and found a small bat inside my apartment. I made some tea and we talked about life, hope, and loss. This is his story.

So what brings you by, bat? Looking for some mosquitoes, flies, or beetles? Or did you come over to find out if the Reds beat the Rockies tonight?

Chitterchitterchitterchitter.

Do you know the squirrel who lives in the tree outside my window? I can hear him on the roof sometimes. I call him Skipper because we listen to baseball games on the radio.

Chit-chit. Chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit.

See, lots of baseball managers like to be called Skipper, or Skip, because then it's like they're steering a large ship. Of course, no one has isolated statistically the manager's effect on a ballclub's performance, except for when the manager does incredibly stupid things that lose games.

Chitterchitterchit.

I also listen to ballgames with Stuart, my tiny sock monkey. He's around here somewhere.

[Silence.]

Yeah, the Reds are too far back to care about the wild card this year. But management didn't have their annual fire sale before the trading deadline, which is encouraging for next season.

Chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit.

Well, Todd Jones wasn't going to be around next year anyway, and Dan O'Brien got a pit-ching prospect from the Phillies for him, so that looks like a good move to me.

[Silence.]

If a couple of their minor league pit-chers pan out and the outfield can stay healthy, 2005 could be a good year for the Reds.

Chit-chit-chit-chit. Chitter.

Austin Kearns at third base and Wily Mo Pena in right field? It's definitely worth a shot. And Kearns came into the minors as an infielder, I think. That'd be a huge upgrade over Brandon Larson.

Chitterchitterchitterchitterchitterchitter.

Yeah, let's see if we can catch a postgame report.

The Reds fell to the Rockies tonight, giving up nine runs and getting five. Starting pit-cher Paul Wilson allowed seven earned runs on twelve hits. The Rockies take the series with two out of three games.

God damn it.