Entertain Me at All Times

By Edmund Osterman

Isn't October the best possible month? The crisp breeze, the sun glowing through the red and orange leaves, making kaleidoscopic plays of light and shadow on me on my couch, from where I have not moved for thirty-seven hours and counting.

College football. The NFL. Postseason baseball. Another serving? Yes, thank you.

As long as I can flip from one game to another when there's a commercial break, I'm calm and happy, lying on my couch like a sleeping bag filled with wet clay. However, if there's just one game on and I can't switch away from the same fourteen rage-inducing commercials repeated over and over during games, I become an angry clay-filled sleeping bag.

So! If your company advertises on television, feel free to use one of the advertisement scripts below, free of charge. I'm pretty sure that I (and, by obvious extension, all of America) will be less annoyed, and significantly less likely to seek out and burn down your corporate headquarters.

Technology Solutions.

Setting: Two men in business attire site on a park bench; children in the background play soccer.

Businessman One: What do you see?

Businessman Two: I see interlocking, redundant communications spider-webbed through the city, speeding information to the people who need it the most. [Takes picture with cell phone.]

Businessman One: I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you.


Setting: Deep in the Rocky Mountains is a tent set up by a pickup truck. Early morning light drifts through the pines.

Camping Guy: What a day! And I've got the last can of Mountain Light beer!

[A crossbow bolt thuds into his chest.]

Camping Guy: As someone who purchased light beer, I deserve this. [Dies.]

Fast Food.

Setting: On a sidewalk stands a man holding a submarine sandwich.

Sandwich-holding Man: I used to be obese, but thanks to these sandwiches, I no longer am! Though it looks like I've put on a couple pounds recently--what the--

[Children rush up and repeatedly strike the sandwich-holding guy with lengths of steel pipe.]

Child [crying]: There's no candy in this piñata!

Financial Services.

Setting: In a forest, several trees are full of squirrels.

Voiceover: What can drunk squirrels teach us about investing?

[The squirrels leap from tree to tree, occasionally mistiming their jumps and falling to the leaf-carpeted forest floor.]

Voiceover: Hee hee! Look at 'em go!