©2003

“This is one of my sweet plays.  It’s about how to be a man.  It makes people think, like good theater should.  If anyone wants to put it on a stage, email me at jd@supermasterpiece.com

-JD Ryznar

Skip to Scene 1 |Scene 2 | Scene 3 | Scene 4 | End

SCENE 1


A home in the suburbs. Two professionally dressed women, RUTH and WANDA, in their mid-thirties sit at a table, drink tea and play Scrabble. They’re laughing at a joke one of them has just told. Suddenly, Wanda becomes deathly serious.

WANDA: Oh, my goodness. Ruth, you are not going to believe this.
Wanda lays down all of her tiles.
WANDA: S-C-R-A-B-B-L, on your E…
RUTH: You’ve spelled Scrabble.
WANDA: That means I win.
RUTH: It doesn’t seem fair. On your first move.
WANDA: Those are the rules!
RUTH: I know, but… Wanda, you’ve shown me up again.
WANDA: C’mon, Ruth. Be fair to yourself.
RUTH: At least not everything has changed after all these years. (sentimental beat) How could we have let time slip away like we did?
WANDA: Three years is a long time for two people who were supposed to be…
RUTH & WANDA: …Best friends forever!
They both laugh.
WANDA: I was so happy to get your call, Ruth.
RUTH: Congratulations were in order. Partner. In the most prestigious law firm in town. The first woman in the firm’s 100 year history. I screamed when I saw your picture in the paper. Wanda, How do you do it?
WANDA: I just worked hard and caught the good breaks. Just dumb luck, like Scrabble.
RUTH: I could use some of that luck. Oh, I’d love to get out of my little cubicle.
WANDA: There you go again. Beating yourself up. Why do you do it?
RUTH: You sound just like Josh, my boyfriend.
WANDA: Oh? You didn’t tell me about him. Is it serious?
RUTH: It is. Wanda. He’s the moon and stars. I’ve never met anyone like him. He’s sensitive and kind, generous. He’s an elementary school teacher, and his kids love him so much.
WANDA: He sounds wonderful! Future husband material, I’d say.
RUTH: He’s so good to me, and good for me.
WANDA: Ruth, I am so happy for you.
RUTH: Oh, thank you, Wanda. (beat, becomes glum) You’re married, aren’t you.
WANDA: I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to one up you.
RUTH: I’m used to it. Tell me how wonderful he is.
WANDA: I’ll tell you one thing. Meeting Roy was much easier than making partner in the firm, much easier than winning that sexual harassment case against that major tobacco corporation.
RUTH: Oh, I bet he’s so handsome, too.
WANDA: I rather think so.
RUTH: Wanda, I am on the edge of my seat. I cannot wait to meet him.
Someone struggles to open the door.
WANDA: Oh, I bet that’s him now.
Wanda and Ruth stand and look at the door in anticipation. ROY BRONCO finally gets the door open. He’s about 40, real creepy looking: ugly, sloppy, unshaven. He stumbles through the door, drunk.
RUTH: (screams)
Ruth’s scream makes Wanda jump.
RUTH: Intruder!
Wanda quickly calms and walks to Roy.
WANDA: This isn’t an intruder, Ruth. This is my husband, Roy Bronco.
ROY: (not acknowledging Ruth) Roy Bronco is hungry.
WANDA: Your dinner is in the kitchen.
ROY: Beer in the fridge?
WANDA: There may be, but I got you a fresh bottle of Jack Daniels.
Roy stumbles into the kitchen.
WANDA: It’s in the cupboard above the fridge.
Roy has exited.
WANDA: He’s something, is he not?
RUTH: Wanda. Is he drunk?
WANDA: Oh, Roy is always drunk.
RUTH: Always?
WANDA: Pretty much.
RUTH: Wanda, I don’t mean to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, but don’t you think you should be getting him some help for his drinking?
WANDA: Trust me. Roy needs no help with his drinking. Ruth. You’re giving me the impression that you dislike my husband.
RUTH: No, it’s not that. I guess I just… I don’t know. He’s wonderful, Wanda. Really.
WANDA: Thank you.
RUTH: But, you know…?
WANDA: What is it Ruth? If you have something to say, just say it.
RUTH: What does he do?
WANDA: Oh, I make so much, he doesn’t have to work.
RUTH: I’m very proud of you. All around. Really.
Roy enters from the kitchen, balancing his dinner, two beers, and a fifth of Jack Daniels whisky on a T.V. tray. He sets it down in front of the chair and sits. He digs out the remote, which he has sat on, and tries to turn on the T.V. He becomes frustrated as the television does not turn on.
ROY: Hey, go turn the T.V. on for me. Remote’s broke.
WANDA: Dear, remember, you kicked in the screen last night.
ROY: Ohhhhh, yeah. That program with the nerd was on again.
WANDA: I’ll buy a new one tomorrow.
ROY: Make sure you get one that doesn’t show the nerd program.
WANDA: Roy, darling. I’d like you to meet my old college friend, Ruth Ford.
Roy turns and nods at Ruth, standing back at a safe distance.
ROY: Roy Bronco. I only drive Chevies. She’s pretty hot, though.
Wanda gives Ruth an assuring nod, telling her this is normal.
RUTH: Thank you, Roy, for that compliment.
ROY: Not a problem.
WANDA: Roy is quite the charmer.
RUTH: He must be.
ROY: Quiet down. I’m trying to eat here.
Silence as Roy takes a few bites of his dinner, washed down with huge gulps of whisky, chased by huge gulps of beer. He stops and thinks of something. He turns to Wanda.
ROY: Hey. How was work at the, uh…?
WANDA: Law Firm.
ROY: That’s right. I can’t believe I always forget that. I’ve got a good joke about that. Hey, what was your name again?
RUTH: Ruth.
ROY: I’m gonna have a hard time remembering that. That’s like a nun’s name, but you seem like a wild one. Yes. I think Liz would be a better name for you.
Wanda gives Ruth the assuring nod again.
RUTH: Well thank you, Roy.
ROY: What was I saying?
WANDA: Your joke, about where I work.
ROY: Where do you work?
WANDA: At a law firm.
ROY: Hey Liz, I think it’s funny that my wife works at a law firm because she’s got such a firm little ass.
Wanda laughs.
RUTH: That’s rather clever Roy.
ROY: What do you call that, Suzie?
WANDA: A play on words.
ROY: Yeah.
RUTH: Wanda, who’s Suzie?
WANDA: That’s what he calls me.
ROY: I don’t know how you sexy babes can walk around all day with those old lady names.
WANDA: Roy can call me whatever he wants.
ROY: What Roy Bronco wants, Roy Bronco gets.
RUTH: Bronco… That’s interesting. What is that?
ROY: It’s a horse, Liz.
WANDA: That’s not what she means, dear.
ROY: It’s a shitty truck for nerds.
WANDA: …no…
ROY: A football team.
RUTH: What nationality?
ROY: What?! Denver. You women know nothing! Suzie, if she wasn’t such a fox, I’d kick old Liz right out of here for being so ignorant.
WANDA: Thank you for being sensible, dear.
Roy stares creepily at Ruth.
ROY: Yeah. Roy likes to look at Liz. Stand up, Liz.
RUTH: I’m standing.
ROY: Great body. I like that blouse. Makes you look 18.
RUTH: (genuinely flattered) Thank you!
ROY: No. Sixteen. Man that’s a great body.
Ruth smiles, but stops when she looks at Wanda. But Wanda gives her that reassuring nod again.
RUTH: (whispering) Wanda, this is kind of fun.
WANDA: I know.
ROY: Turn around, Liz, I want to see your ass.
Ruth twirls around.
ROY: Real nice. Do it again. Slower.
Ruth turns again. When her back is to Roy…
ROY: STOP!
Ruth stops. Roy stares at her ass.
ROY: Suzie. I’m done with supper.
Wanda takes the TV tray. Roy grabs the bottle of whiskey.
ROY: Leave me this.
Wanda nods in approval and exits to the kitchen.
Roy continues staring at Ruth’s ass for an uncomfortably long time, taking occasional swigs of whisky.
ROY: Why don’t you go sit on the couch?
Ruth moves to the couch and sits. Roy follows her, sitting next to her with his arm resting behind her on the couch. His face is inches from hers. He looks back and forth between her breasts and her face.
ROY: Ever ride a Bronco?
Blackout.

SCENE 2

An upscale restaurant. Place setting for four, but only WANDA and RUTH are seated. They look fabulous and professional. They’re laughing.
RUTH: So I said “No, I can’t say I ever have ridden a Bronco,” to which he replied: “First ride’s on me,” referring to himself. Then, he asked me if I wanted to take him up on it.
WANDA: I’m always amazed by his incredible word play.
RUTH: I know, I laughed out loud because of the clever double meaning. When I laughed, he said “I’ll take that as a yes.” Then you came back.
WANDA: I can’t get enough of his wit!
RUTH: You are quite a lucky woman. I wish Josh were more like Roy.
WANDA: Ruth. Will you please stop that. Josh sounds perfect for you. I honestly can’t wait to meet him. I’ve always wanted to meet a male elementary school teacher.
RUTH: It’s nothing special. Just a job…
WANDA: Ruth.
RUTH: I’m sorry. I’m nervous.
WANDA: What do you have to be nervous about?
RUTH: I’m afraid if Josh doesn’t measure up to Roy, you’ll think less of me.
WANDA: Ruth. Meeting Roy was a lucky break. He could as easily have randomly picked your name from the phone book as he did mine.
RUTH: I’m sorry.
WANDA: Not one of us is better than the other, okay? Remember. Best friends forever. Okay?
RUTH: I do love you Wanda.
WANDA: And I love you, Ruth.
Wanda checks her watch.
WANDA: It appears our men are a trifle late.
RUTH: Josh told me he might be late. He has conferences today.
WANDA: Ah.
RUTH: I know… boring.
WANDA: Ruth, I’m not going to be judging you, or Josh for that matter. I’m not like that.
JOSH and ROY enter at the same time. Josh is a very attractive man, mid 30’s, well-groomed, sporting a shirt and tie. He is self-assured and masculine. Roy wears a ratty flannel shirt and jeans. He is drunk.
ROY: Suzie, skootch over. I wanna sit by Liz.
Wanda moves over. Roy occupies the chair. He stares creepily at Ruth.
JOSH: Hi, darling. Sorry I’m late.
Josh kisses Ruth on the cheek and sits at the open chair.
JOSH: I would have made it on time, but I figured a shower, shave and change of clothes would do me a world of good.
RUTH: You look great dear. You smell nice, too.
JOSH: (to Wanda and Roy) Hello. Hello.
RUTH: Josh, this is my dear friend, Wanda.
Josh extends his hand.
JOSH: Wanda. Pleasure.
Wanda shakes Josh’s hand.
WANDA: Thank you. This is my husband, Roy Bronco.
Josh extends a hand to Roy. Roy ignores it.
JOSH: Roy.
ROY: What?
JOSH: It’s nice to meet you.
ROY: Usually is.
JOSH: Well…
ROY: Liz, you look real sexy today.
JOSH: Who’s Liz?
RUTH: I am. It’s his pet name for me.
ROY: Pet name? That’s your name, Liz. Roy Bronco gave you that name.
JOSH: Hey! What right do you have to give Ruth a new name…?
ROY: Who’s Ruth?
RUTH: Josh…
JOSH: I’m sorry, but this guy is calling you Liz and saying you look sexy and…
RUTH: Are you saying I don’t look sexy?
JOSH: No, I…
RUTH: It’s flattering, Josh. God forbid, you might compliment me every now and then.
JOSH: Darling, does a day go by when I don’t call you beautiful?
RUTH: Who the hell wants to be beautiful? My mother called me beautiful when I was 14 and 30 pounds overweight with a face full of acne.
JOSH: Well, what would you like me to call you, love?
ROY: (to Wanda) Who is this namby pamby?
JOSH: Excuse me? What was that?
ROY: I don’t think Roy’s ever seen such a pussy. I figured Liz had a great pussy, but I didn’t think it’d be her man.
Ruth and Wanda laugh.
RUTH: What biting wit!
WANDA: I know!
JOSH: I apologize, sir, but if you don’t…
RUTH: Oh, stop it, Josh.
JOSH: What?
RUTH: I’m so sorry, Wanda.
JOSH: What are you apologizing for?
RUTH: One more word out of you, and we are through.
Josh is silent. Roy stares at Ruth’s legs.
ROY: They skirt could lose a few inches. That’d give Roy Bronco a boner. What do you think, Liz?
Josh tries to speak.
RUTH: Not one word. (to Roy) That’s very flattering, Roy.
ROY: You gonna cut the skirt?
RUTH: (giggles nervously) Um, well…
ROY: Gotta get a closer look.
Roy moves his head down about an inch from Ruth’s leg.
ROY: Oh, yes.
Josh is killing himself not speaking up.
WANDA: So Josh, do you like teaching school?
RUTH: Wanda. Spare us.
WANDA: I’d really like to know.
Josh looks at Ruth to ask permission to speak. Ruth begrudgingly gestures the go ahead. Roy continues to keep his head an inch from Ruth’s leg.
JOSH: I enjoy teaching school very much. It’s an absolute joy to help build the growing minds of…
RUTH: (Yelps, laughs)
ROY: My tongue slipped.
JOSH: Roy…
Roy sits up.
ROY: Well, Roy’s got a boner.
JOSH: Roy!
ROY: Yes?
Ruth glares at Josh. Josh can feel it.
JOSH: Nothing.
WANDA: What grade do you teach?
JOSH: Um. It’s a combination first and second grade class for advanced students.
ROY: Tiny nerds.
Ruth and Wanda laugh.
JOSH: They are not nerds, Roy, they are gifted.
ROY: I’d beat ‘em up if I was their age.
JOSH: What is your point, Roy?!
ROY: I like beating up nerds. A lot.
RUTH: I’m sorry about Josh’s behavior, Roy.
Roy moves within an inch of Ruth’s face.
ROY: Liz, you’ll have no problems making it up to me.
JOSH: Why don’t you leave her alone?
RUTH: Shut up, Josh!
JOSH: I’m sorry.
ROY: Boy, you are a pansy.
Josh just stares at Roy. Roy stares back at him.
ROY: Say. You wouldn’t happen to be a homosexual, would you?
JOSH: No, I am not! What the hell would make you think that?
ROY: You let women push you around. You don’t appreciate your piece of ass here. You’re no Burt Reynolds, that’s for goddamn sure.
JOSH: And I suppose you are?
ROY: I do what I can and I can what I do. Right, Suzie?
JOSH: Look. I am not a homosexual, okay? What if I were, Roy? Would you beat me up? You like to beat up nerds, well, what about faggots? You beat them up, too?
Wanda gasps.
ROY: (very quietly) You watch your mouth.
JOSH: What?
ROY: (slow burn) My brother is a member of the homosexual community. I’ll be GOD-damned if anyone uses that word in my presence.
RUTH: Josh! How dare you!
JOSH: I can’t believe this. You stumble in here, intoxicated, objectifying women, not excluding my girlfriend, and now I’m being crucified due to a slip in political correctness?
ROY: You may or may not be a homosexual. Doesn’t matter. But, I was just listening to those 5 dollar words coming out of your mouth, and I’m starting to think you might be a nerd.
JOSH: Oh, I’m a nerd. You’ve got a boner. Perchance you’d like to join your developmental equivalents in my first grade class.
ROY: If you just said you were queer, you’d be in the clear. But nerds I got troubles with. Nerds are after my women. You nerds think you can think a woman’s pants off, and that makes you think you’re better than old Roy Bronco.
JOSH: I never said I thought I was better than you.
ROY: I’m no dummy. I see it. It’s under the surface of what you’re sayin’. You think you’re better. But you ain’t. You’re a nerd. Roy Bronco likes to beat up nerds. Roy Bronco’s gonna to beat up you.
JOSH: I don’t have to put up with this.
Josh stands.
JOSH: I’ll call you tomorrow, Ruth.
RUTH: Don’t bother.
JOSH: Ruth…
RUTH: I’m breaking up with you. Goodbye.
JOSH: What?
RUTH: You’re a nerd.
JOSH: Can’t we discuss this?
RUTH: There’s nothing to discuss. Goodbye.
Josh storms out. Roy stands.
ROY: Got a nerd to beat up.
WANDA: Go get him, dear.
Roy French kisses Wanda. She melts. Roy looks at Ruth.
ROY: You like that, Liz?
RUTH: Incredible.
Roy stumbles out.
RUTH: Wanda. You are so lucky.
Blackout.

SCENE 3

Bronco residence. ROY sits on one end of the couch. On the other end is CARL, who could be Roy’s twin. Carl even talks like Roy. They drink canned beer.
ROY: So I followed him into the parking lot and pounded him into nerd paste. Used it to glue a couple dictionaries together or something.
CARL: Good one.
They high five.
ROY: Man its good to see you, man.
They sit in silence, drinking.
ROY: Carl, you know what old Roy can’t figure out? How come hot babes waste their time with namby pamby nerds?
CARL: Don’t even ask me about women.
ROY: Amen. I guess it’s cause Roy Bronco don’t grow on trees.
A knock at the door.
ROY: Hey! Suzie! Get the door!
A long pause. Roy and Carl drink more beer. WANDA, having awakened, finally enters in her bathrobe.
WANDA: Carl! Hello, I haven’t seen you in months!
CARL: Hey, Suzie. You look good in that bathrobe, all tattered.
WANDA: Well thank you. You shouldn’t be such a stranger.
Another knock.
ROY: Will you get the door?
Wanda answers the door. Its Josh, his nose bandaged and his arm in a sling.
JOSH: Hello, Wanda.
WANDA: Oh. Hi.
ROY: Who is it?
WANDA: It’s Josh.
ROY: Who’s Josh? (looks at Josh) Oh. (to Carl) That’s the nerd I beat up.
CARL: Oh yeah?
JOSH: May I speak with Roy.
WANDA: Fine. Go ahead. (to Carl and Roy) Goodnight.
Wanda exits to her room. Josh approaches Roy.
JOSH: Hello, Roy.
ROY: (laughs) Nice cast, bro.
CARL: (laughs)
JOSH: My God. You’ve split into two.
ROY: Will you go home?
JOSH: Roy, I’ve come because I want to settle our problem like gentlemen.
ROY: What problem?
JOSH: May I sit?
ROY: No.
JOSH: I’ll stand then.
CARL: Why don’t you let him sit, Roy?
ROY: That what you want?
CARL: What Carl Bronco wants, Carl Bronco gets.
ROY: (to Josh) Go ahead and sit, then.
Josh sits between Roy and Carl on the sofa. Carl eyes him.
JOSH: (to Carl) Hello…
CARL: Carl Bronco.
JOSH: Are you related to Roy?
CARL: We’re brothers.
JOSH: Nice to meet you. I’m Josh.
CARL: The pleasure’s all mine.
Josh really warms up to Carl.
JOSH: Thank you, Carl. Roy, you can learn a lesson in manners from your brother here.
ROY: He’s flirting.
Josh becomes uncomfortable.
JOSH: This is the one who is the… uh…
ROY: …member of the homosexual community?
CARL: I’m the gay one.
There is an uncomfortable silence. Carl stares at Josh.
ROY: Now will you go home?
JOSH: Not until I’ve spoken my mind.
ROY: Hurry.
JOSH: I’m thinking of pressing charges.
ROY: For what?
JOSH: You attacked me.
ROY: That’s illegal?
JOSH: Assault and battery.
ROY: Well how about that? I gotta pee.
Roy gets up to leave. Josh can feel Carl eyeing him.
JOSH: Roy…
ROY: What?
JOSH: I, uh, don’t you, um…
Roy shakes his head.
ROY: Christ.
Roy exits.
JOSH: Wait!
CARL: What was your name again?
JOSH: Um… Josh.
CARL: Yeah, I’m going to have a hard time remembering that. That’s a little boy’s name, but you’re like a stallion. I think Gary would be a better name for you.
JOSH: I would appreciate it, Carl, if you would…
CARL: Stand up, Gary.
JOSH: Why?
CARL: I wanna look at you. C’mon, Gary.
Josh stands, cupping his free hand over his crotch.
CARL: What you got there, Gary? I don’t want to take it. I just want to look. Very nice. Turn around Gary.
JOSH: (whispering) Um, I’m not gay. I find your advances threatening.
CARL: You think this is easy for me? Turn around.
Josh turns around. Carl ogles his ass.
CARL: Well, it is real easy for me. You take real good care of yourself, don’t you Gary?
Roy enters and sees this.
ROY: Heh heh. Would you look at this.
JOSH: It’s not what you think.
ROY: I think Carl’s just looking. Something else going on?
JOSH: No, I, uh…
ROY: Something else going on, Carl?
CARL: Not yet. Right, Gary?
ROY: Gary. Ha. That suits him.
JOSH: Uh… Look, guys… um…
ROY: If you’re so uncomfortable, why don’t you leave, Gary.
JOSH: It would be very easy for me to do that and simply press charges in the morning. I am a gentleman, so before I have you criminally charged, I want to offer you a simple proposal. (becomes deathly serious) Really, Roy, its an ultimatum.
ROY: If you think for one second you can waltz in here and expect me to know what that means…
JOSH: It’s a final proposition before drastic measures are taken.
CARL: I’ve got an ultimatum for you, Gary.
JOSH: I don’t want to hear it.
CARL: You come sit next to me or I’ll keep staring at your ass.
Josh quickly turns around to face Carl. Carl smiles creepily. Josh turns back to Roy and covers his ass with his free hand.
ROY: (laughs) You are something else, Gary.
JOSH: Here’s the ultimatum…
CARL: Your ass is even sexier when you’re touching it.
Josh picks up a pillow and covers his ass with it.
JOSH: You apologize to me for disrespecting my girlfriend and attacking me in the parking lot, and I’ll refrain from filing charges.
ROY: Do I look stupid?
JOSH: Good, so you’ll apologize, then.
ROY: No way, that was a fair fight.
JOSH: Fight? I didn’t throw a punch!
ROY: Why is it my fault you fight like a girl?
JOSH: Either you apologize or you go to court.
ROY: Roy Bronco doesn’t apologize.
JOSH: Then Roy Bronco goes to court.
Josh goes to exit.
CARL: Leaving so soon, Gary?
JOSH: Yes, I’m leaving, and I’ve got a good mind to…
CARL: Ever ride a Bronco, Gary?
JOSH: I’ve got a good mind to sue you for…
CARL: First ride’s on me…
JOSH: I’ve got a good mind to sue you for sexual harassment!
ROY: What are you, Gary, an ugly woman now?
JOSH: Good night… (cringes) gentlemen.
Josh slams the front door as he exits. Carl and Roy calmly return to their original spots on the couch. They pick up their beers and casually drink.
ROY: I tell you, that guy is something else.
CARL: I’d say.
ROY: Hey, Suzie! SUZIE!
WANDA: (Offstage) Yes, dear?
ROY: Carl and I need you to be our lawyer again!
WANDA: (Offstage) Okay!
CARL: That wife of yours is something else.
ROY: Yep. She is one great looking piece of ass.
Blackout.

SCENE 4

A conference room at a law firm. JOSH sits at one end of a long table with HILDEGARD, a conservatively dressed, stern looking woman of about 40. RUTH enters.
JOSH: Hello, darling. I’m so happy you’ve made it.
Josh wraps his arms around her. She fights him off.
RUTH: Why are we here, Josh?
JOSH: This is my legal advisor, Hildegard Earwin.
HILDEGARD: Hello, Ruth.
RUTH: Why do you have a lawyer, Josh?
HILDEGARD: Ruth, your boyfriend…
RUTH: He is not my boyfriend.
HILDEGARD: My client was attacked by a Mr. Roy Bronco in the parking lot of…
RUTH: You need me as a witness?
HILDEGARD: Yes. We’re pressing criminal and civil charges and if subpoenaed, you will be required to tell the truth in a court of law.
RUTH: Well, I didn’t see anything.
JOSH: But you heard him threaten me.
RUTH: He was only talking.
JOSH: Only talking? Look at me.
RUTH: (laughs) Way to talk back, champ.
WANDA, ROY, and CARL enter. Wanda looks professional. Roy and Carl are sloppily dressed and sloppy drunk.
JOSH: (To Hildegard) Prepare to be objectified.
WANDA: Oh, Ruth. Hello.
RUTH: Wanda.
They embrace.
RUTH: Wanda, Josh expects me to testify against Roy.
WANDA: I know. This whole thing is stupid.
JOSH: Ruth, darling. I’m willing to drop all charges if I get a simple apology from Roy.
RUTH: You’re still an asshole.
WANDA: Ha.
HILDEGARD: (To Wanda) I’m Hildegard Earwin. Josh’s attorney.
WANDA: Wanda Mason. I’m defending my husband Roy.
HILDEGARD: You must be Mr. Roy Bronco.
ROY: Yup.
HILDEGARD: I am Hildegard Earwin.
ROY: That’s an old lady name.
JOSH: Are you going to give her a sexy new name, Roy?
ROY: Nope.
JOSH: Oh, now that his freedom is at stake, he’ll control himself.
ROY: No. She’s just not sexy.
HILDEGARD: Let’s keep this professional, please.
ROY: She’s a square peg.
CARL: Hey, Gary.
JOSH: Oh, no.
RUTH: Oh my goodness. Wanda, who is that?
WANDA: That’s Roy’s brother Carl.
RUTH: I didn’t know Roy had a brother. (sudden disappointment) Oh wait. Yes I did.
WANDA: Sorry, Ruth.
JOSH: Wanda, what is Carl doing here?
CARL: Just came to see you, Gary.
WANDA: He was served papers yesterday for your sexual harassment suit against him.
RUTH: Josh, what the hell are you doing to these poor people?
JOSH: This meeting was supposed to be about my suit against Roy.
WANDA: Well, my time is precious, so I want to settle these two frivolous cases in the same 15 minutes.
Josh stands in anger.
JOSH: There is nothing frivolous about my charges!
CARL: Gary, you are one smoking piece of ass.
JOSH: You see?
HILDEGARD: Mr. Bronco, please refrain from using that term in my presence.
CARL: What term?
HILDEGARD: (quietly) Piece of ass.
ROY: What was that?
HILDEGARD: (little louder) Piece of ass.
ROY: I’m sorry, missed that.
HILDEGARD: (shouting) Piece of ass!
ROY & CARL: (laugh)
HILDEGARD: Piece of… That term is offensive and derogatory toward women.
CARL: I was talking about a man.
HILDEGARD: Yes, but…
CARL: That man. That smoking piece of ass over there.
Josh buries his head in his hands. Roy and Carl high five.
HILDEGARD: This is ludicrous.
RUTH: Josh, what is your problem? He’s just flirting.
JOSH: I find his advances threatening and unwanted. I am not attracted to men.
RUTH: Well, I’m not attracted to male elementary school teachers. You drop your suit against Carl or I’ll sue you for sexual harassment.
ROY: (to Wanda) That’s an ultimatum, Suzie.
JOSH: On what grounds?
RUTH: When I walked in here, you touched me, attempting an embrace that was, to me, “threatening and unwanted.”
WANDA: Very good Wanda. I’ll file the papers tomorrow.
RUTH: In addition, I find the term “darling” offensive, derogatory to women.
JOSH: You’re being silly.
RUTH: It’s belittling Josh, by calling me “darling,” you’re attempting to undermine me.
ROY: Liz, did I tell you how hot that getup makes your body look?
RUTH: Why thank you, Roy.
JOSH: Well, what was that?
RUTH: A very thoughtful and welcomed compliment.
JOSH: But he’s objectifying you.
RUTH: Better to be objectified and worshiped than undermined and patronized.
JOSH: What the blazes is the difference?
CARL: I’ll show you the difference, Gary.
JOSH: Will you leave me alone?
CARL: If your shirt were any tighter, my pants would rip.
JOSH: What?
HILDEGARD: Mr. Bronco…
ROY: What?
HILDEGARD: Mr. Carl Bronco. I would advise you to stop incriminating yourself.
WANDA: I don’t feel he is.
JOSH: Clearly he is. He’s been harassing me since he got here.
WANDA: He’s been paying you compliments. He’s impressed by your well-kempt physique.
JOSH: But he’s doing so with sexual connotation.
WANDA: It’s mere word play. Your shirt is so tight that his pants would rip. It’s absurdity. A non-sequitor. Ridiculous.
CARL: Actually I meant I would get a boner so big that it would rip my pants.
WANDA: Okay. So there was sexual connotation. So what are you afraid of?
HILDEGARD: Mrs. Bronco, My client…
WANDA: I didn’t take my husbands name, Ms. Earwin.
HILDEGARD: Well you’re certainly earning it, Mrs. Bronco.
ROY: Oh, she’s earned it all right. By humping me. Over and over again.
Hildegard takes Wanda aside.
HILDEGARD: Can I level with you? How can you be defending these disgusting men?
WANDA: This is my husband and my brother-in-law. The are, in fact, very dear to me.
HILDEGARD: How can you be married to that? Wanda, I’ve been reading about you for years in every feminist publication I can get my hands on. You are an extremely powerful woman in the movement. Every time I open a paper, you’re fighting against another sexist, oppressive group of men. Wanda, simply put, you are my idol. And it angers me… No. It infuriates me. To see you stand by these pigs like they are somehow right and just. I am absolutely appalled.
WANDA: The difference between these men and the men I’ve fought my whole life is that Roy and Carl are in no position of power. At all. Look at them. They’re nothing but lovable.
HILDEGARD: Lovable!? Lovable?! What kind of crazy hallucinogenic drug are you on Mrs. Bronco?!!!!
ROY: Can Roy Bronco cut in here?
HILDEGARD: What the hell do you want?
ROY: Was watching you yelling… what was your name again?
HILDEGARD: Hildegard Earwin.
ROY: Riiight. You know, Hild-blah-blah. I couldn’t help but notice a little somethin’ somethin’.
HILDEGARD: What on earth are you talking about?
ROY: You heard me. What was your name again?
HILDEGARD: Hildegard!
ROY: Yeah. There you go again. You’re kind of sexy when you’re pissed off.
HIDEGARD: What did you call me?
ROY: Yep. That’s it. Man, that is hot. Getting mad. That’s what does it for you. Every woman’s got something. When I first saw you I thought, “That chick’s a nun, all the way.” But now, I’m starting to see a little something interesting. Some sort of fire you’ve got burning in you. Hot. Friggin’ hot.
Hildegard has a strange look on your face.
ROY: No one ever told you that, did they? Well, it’s true.
HILDEGARD: I… I’m not sure how to react to this.
ROY: I was hoping you’d get mad again. (beat) Take your hair down.
HILDEGARD: What?
ROY: Look at my woman. Sure she’s professional, but all loosened up and sexy. Take your hair down, lose those glasses. Unbutton your shirt a little. Let that fire out.
Hildegard is hypnotized.
JOSH: Don’t do it, Ms. Earwin!
RUTH: Shut up, Josh.
Hildegard removes her glasses.
ROY: There you go.
Hildegard takes her hair down.
JOSH: Ms. Earwin. Hildegard? Hello?
ROY: That’s real nice. Growl for me.
Hildegard unbuttons her two buttons on her blouse.
HILDEGARD: Grrrrrrrr.
ROY: Goddamn! You are one hot number. Stand up.
Hildegard stands, in a trance.
JOSH: What is happening?
ROY: That skirt could lose a foot or two. Man, I’m starting to get a boner. Suzie, let’s go hump in my van.
WANDA: Okay.
Wanda gathers her things.
JOSH: Roy? What about the apology?
ROY: Apology accepted.
WANDA: I trust these cases will be dropped.
HILDEGARD: Of course. There’s not a jury in the world that would convict Roy Bronco.
Roy and Wanda exit.
JOSH: What?
HILDEGARD: He’s pure charm.
RUTH: Isn’t he?
JOSH: Charm?
HILDEGARD: I will envy that woman until I reach the gates of hell.
RUTH: Everyone will. And she and Roy will have heaven all to themselves.
HILDEGARD: Ruth. I think they already do.
The two women dreamily wander off, arm in arm.
JOSH: What about my case against Carl?
HILDEGARD: You can work it out.
Ruth and Hildegard exit.
JOSH: Well, shall we settle this like gentlemen?
CARL: I’m going home.
JOSH: Now, wait. Let’s work this out. Now, I understand that you’re attracted to me.
CARL: Woah. Where the frig did you get that idea?
JOSH: Those things you were saying.
CARL: Oh, that was just to shake your chain, man. Have some fun. You’re one of those dudes that’s scared of gays.
JOSH: A homophobe? I am not a homophobe.
CARL: I know you’re not, that’s why you get all freaked out when I try to hump you. You’re afraid of them.
JOSH: That’s called homophobia.
CARL: I know the name of my sexuality, you big frickin’ nerd. Man, I hate you.
JOSH: You’re really not attracted to me?
CARL: Now way.
JOSH: Not in the least?
CARL: Never will be.
JOSH: Not even just a little?
CARL: You’re gross.
JOSH: What the hell is wrong with me?
CARL: I’m going home.
JOSH: You must be just a little bit attracted to me, I have a good physique, right?
CARL: C’mon.
JOSH: I have a nice ass, like you said, don’t I.
CARL: Give it up.
JOSH: Tell me I have a nice ass.
CARL: No.
JOSH: At least admit I’m kind of handsome.
CARL: You’re pathetic.
Carl exits.
JOSH: Carl, don’t leave me. I need something. Carl, I’ll take my shirt off, make your pants rip! CARL!
Josh rips shirt off and falls to his knees.
JOSH: CARL!
Blackout.
Curtain.

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