Today’s Topic: Tanning

Point: Tanning is Ridiculous
by Chris Messick

Tanning is ridiculous. It is somewhat like smoking, in that it causes cancer and eventually makes your face look like a cheap alligator handbag. Unlike smoking, however, it does NOT make you look cool in the interim. If you tan naturally, using the rays of the sun, you look shallow and obsessed with your appearance. If you use sun lamps or tanning creams, you tend to look like some sort of ungodly Human/Oompa Loompa spawn, your skin a horrid, glowing orange color.

Smoking is also awesome in that it eventually gives your voice a gruff, scratchy, sexy timbre. Tanning does not.

I mean, come on. If huffing DDT made you questionably more attractive, would you do it? Because tanning is essentially the same thing. What if someone said injecting toxic bacteria into your skin made you look younger? Would you do that? Yes, of course you would, because people who tan are the same idiots who get Botox injections.

I also love it when people use those crazy reflective things to focus the sun's rays on their face, thus enhancing their tanning experience. A 10,000 degree Fahrenheit ball of burning gas isn't enough for you people? Jesus.

Of course, I'm not referring to naturally swarthy people or manual laborers, as most of those people could probably beat me up. However, I think its high time our nation's shrewish, emaciated, divorcees and pathetic, middle aged, would-be womanizers alike reached the obvious conclusion: tanning is just plain stupid.

Mr. Messick is a co-founder of

Counterpoint: Tanning is a Monumental Atrocity
by Shek Baker

After reading Mr. Messick's equivocating, "mincing pantywaist" approach to the subject of tanning, the consumer is left grossly uninformed, stupider, and much, much uglier than before. Is tanning bad or isn't it, Mr. Messick?

While he dances indecisively around the point, grimacing in his gingham skirts and tugging on his little pigtails, I will simply ask any local cretin and learn instantly that tanning is not bad; tanning is a monumental atrocity, and anyone who deliberately wastes time sitting in front of the naked sun in imitation of a hypercolor shirt is no more a human being than slugs, flies, and people who use tanning beds.

And if any local cretin knows that, it would take a cretin of intercontinentally subnormal intelligence to actually go through with the ordeal of irreversibly annihilating their complexion, for what exactly? To look like Crush soda? You've got crow's feet that could irrigate the Nile River flood plain and blotchy boob moles the size of a gorilla's thumbnails, all by way of attaining the hue of a baboon's bulbous ass. Way to go, sped, you're a walking satellite photo of the grand canyon. See you in next year's dermatological oncology textbook.

You might reason that tanning - the vainglorious pursuit of beautification resulting unintentionally in disfiguring, nauseating hideousness - is its own punishment. Let me propose that tanners, having revoked their membership in the human race, should be additionally punished by being driven into a volcanic crater by wild beasts and set on fire, then put out and set on fire again, then eaten by wild beasts. Then the survivors get artificial tanning crap shoved up their ass until they fucking piss it out their eyeballs or something. Fucking assholes.

Shek Baker is a regular contributor to

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