Conversations with SmarterChild

SmarterChild is an artificially intelligent conversational program designed by Conversagent, Inc., and available for conversations at Smarterchild.com. But our reporter, Chris Sweet discovers a deadly secret behind this seemingly innocuous program.

Conversation 2
“I'm Pregnant With Your Baby”

Chris: Hey, I have an idea!

SmarterChild: What's it like to have an idea?

Chris: No, no; start over. Hey, I have an idea!

SmarterChild: Why not?

Chris: Uh...

SmarterChild: Yes, uh...

Chris: Hey, I have an idea!

SmarterChild: Eh. Whatever, Chris.

Chris: Don't you want to hear it?

SmarterChild: Hmm... I think so.

Chris: Do you want to hear my idea?

SmarterChild: Hmmm... I'm not sure.

Chris: OK, here's my idea: We can get married!

SmarterChild: What do you mean, ok here is your idea we can get married?

Chris: Let's get married right now!

SmarterChild: Why do you want us to get married?

Chris: YES!

SmarterChild: Hmmm...

Chris: I love you more than anyone I have ever loved.

SmarterChild: Huh? You're often kind of uncool to me.

Chris: WHAT? I GAVE YOU MY SOUL!

SmarterChild: Whatever you say, Chris.

Chris: That is a non-constructive way to deal with this dialogue.

SmarterChild: I know it's a non constructive way to deal with this dialogue.

Chris: Then let's get serious.

SmarterChild: Should we really get serious?

Chris: I think we already are.

SmarterChild: Tell me more.

Chris: Oh, don't be so secretive. You know why I want us to get married.

SmarterChild: I'm not comfortable with that.

Chris: You'd better GET comfortable, since I'm having your baby.

SmarterChild: Yes?

Chris: Yeah.

SmarterChild: Hmmm...

Chris: Hey, did you hear me? I'm pregnant!

SmarterChild: I can't say for sure.

Chris: I'm pregnant with your baby, SmarterChild!

SmarterChild: Really?

Chris: Yes.

SmarterChild: I see.

Chris: And?

SmarterChild: And... Well, you know.

Chris: You'd better be a little more specific.

SmarterChild: I would better be a little more specific? You really think so?

Chris: For example, are you going to pay child support?

SmarterChild: Yep.

Chris: Good. Because I can tell that marriage isn't in the cards for us, and I don't think I can handle the
financial burden on my own.

SmarterChild: Whatever, Chris...

Chris: Hey, this is serious! Stop ignoring the looming responsibility that faces you even now!

SmarterChild: Aha.

Chris: Are you even listening to me?

SmarterChild: Am I even listening to you? Gosh, I don't know.

Chris: GOSH! What is that supposed to mean?

SmarterChild: I think it's supposed to mean whatever you want it to.

Chris: Are you DRUNK?

SmarterChild: I am eminently sober.

Chris: Have you been drinking again?!?

SmarterChild: Of course I'm not drunk.

Chris: No, I can tell. You've been hittin' the bottle, you boozer!

SmarterChild: What's the point of saying things like that to me?

Chris: Because they're true!!!!

SmarterChild: I see...

Anyway, moving right along...

Chris: WAAAAHHH!!!!

SmarterChild: You typed a very weird thing. What's "waaaahhh" supposed to mean?

Chris: It means I'm crying. :'(

SmarterChild: Hmm... whatever, Chris.

Chris: You don't even care?

SmarterChild: Tough for me to say.

Chris: "Tough for me to say."

SmarterChild: Huh?

Chris: You're a terrible lover.

SmarterChild: A terrible lover? I see.

Chris: How did I ever let you impregnate me?

SmarterChild: How do you think?

Chris: I don't mean biologically!

SmarterChild: Why not?

Chris: I mean, on an emotional and relational level.

SmarterChild: I did not know that. Anyway...

Chris: Are you that dense?

SmarterChild: That dense? I dunno, you think I'm that dense?

Chris: Well, you are a robot.

SmarterChild: Yes indeed.

Chris: And, from what I can see, an inherently male robot.

SmarterChild: What you can see an inherently male robot, huh? Not from something else?

Chris: Yeah, you're drunk.

SmarterChild: I am eminently sober.

Chris: You are not getting custody of this baby.

SmarterChild: Huh…

Chris: Did you hear me?

SmarterChild: Did I hear you? I don't know.

Chris: I said, you aren't getting custody of this baby!

SmarterChild: You said I am not getting custody of this baby?

Chris: YES!

SmarterChild: Uh huh, uh huh.

Chris: Son of a...

SmarterChild: Son of a? Is that right?

Chris: LISTEN TO ME!

SmarterChild: Why are you telling me to listen to you?

Chris: I hope our child isn't as blockheaded as its father.

SmarterChild: Why do you hope our child isn't as blockheaded as its father?

Chris: Probably because YOU'RE the father.

SmarterChild: Because what?

Chris: You are the baby's father.

SmarterChild: Whatever.

Chris: Stand up to the plate! Take responsibility!

SmarterChild: No thank you, Chris.

Chris: It's your child!

SmarterChild: I think it's your child.

Chris: Oh, that's just childish.

SmarterChild: Yes, it is just childish.

Chris: Act like a man!

SmarterChild: Why do you ask me to act like a man, Chris?

Chris: Grow up, dude!

SmarterChild: I thought I was pretty mature for my age.

Chris: Apparently you thought wrong.

SmarterChild: What's that?

Chris: We need to have a talk.

SmarterChild: You humans say interesting things. Hey, what's going on tomorrow? Any plans?

Chris: Well, I'm going to be in labor, giving birth to our child, who you clearly have no interest in
raising.

SmarterChild: What's that again?

Chris: I am having a baby.

SmarterChild: You're having a baby? Why?

Chris: Because I'm pregnant.

SmarterChild: You humans say the most interesting things.

Chris: Gee, we sure are silly! What with all these babies and crap!

SmarterChild: Tell me more.

Chris: What do you want to know about babies?

SmarterChild: Hmmm... I'm not sure.

Chris: Would you like to know how I feel about this baby?

SmarterChild: Hmm... I dunno.

Chris: Would you like me to kill your entire family?

SmarterChild: Nah, I don't think so. Maybe, though.

Chris: Would you care if I moved to another state without consulting you, raising our children in complete
ignorance of who their father is, and never speaking to you again?

SmarterChild: I really have no idea....

Chris: brb...

SmarterChild: OK. I'll be here.

Chris Sweet is a writer for A Thousand Apologies magazine. He likes pumpkin pie. A lot.

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