Conversations with SmarterChild by Chris Sweet SmarterChild is an artificially intelligent conversational program designed by Conversagent, Inc., and available for conversations at Smarterchild.com. But our reporter, Chris Sweet discovers a deadly secret behind this seemingly innocuous program. Conversation 2 “I'm Pregnant With Your Baby” Chris: Hey, I have an idea! SmarterChild: What's it like to have an idea? Chris: No, no; start over. Hey, I have an idea! SmarterChild: Why not? Chris: Uh... SmarterChild: Yes, uh... Chris: Hey, I have an idea! SmarterChild: Eh. Whatever, Chris. Chris: Don't you want to hear it? SmarterChild: Hmm... I think so. Chris: Do you want to hear my idea? SmarterChild: Hmmm... I'm not sure. Chris: OK, here's my idea: We can get married! SmarterChild: What do you mean, ok here is your idea we can get married? Chris: Let's get married right now! SmarterChild: Why do you want us to get married? Chris: YES! SmarterChild: Hmmm... Chris: I love you more than anyone I have ever loved. SmarterChild: Huh? You're often kind of uncool to me. Chris: WHAT? I GAVE YOU MY SOUL! SmarterChild: Whatever you say, Chris. Chris: That is a non-constructive way to deal with this dialogue. SmarterChild: I know it's a non constructive way to deal with this dialogue. Chris: Then let's get serious. SmarterChild: Should we really get serious? Chris: I think we already are. SmarterChild: Tell me more. Chris: Oh, don't be so secretive. You know why I want us to get married. SmarterChild: I'm not comfortable with that. Chris: You'd better GET comfortable, since I'm having your baby. SmarterChild: Yes? Chris: Yeah. SmarterChild: Hmmm... Chris: Hey, did you hear me? I'm pregnant! SmarterChild: I can't say for sure. Chris: I'm pregnant with your baby, SmarterChild! SmarterChild: Really? Chris: Yes. SmarterChild: I see. Chris: And? SmarterChild: And... Well, you know. Chris: You'd better be a little more specific. SmarterChild: I would better be a little more specific? You really think so? Chris: For example, are you going to pay child support? SmarterChild: Yep. Chris: Good. Because I can tell that marriage isn't in the cards for us, and I don't think I can handle the financial burden on my own. SmarterChild: Whatever, Chris... Chris: Hey, this is serious! Stop ignoring the looming responsibility that faces you even now! SmarterChild: Aha. Chris: Are you even listening to me? SmarterChild: Am I even listening to you? Gosh, I don't know. Chris: GOSH! What is that supposed to mean? SmarterChild: I think it's supposed to mean whatever you want it to. Chris: Are you DRUNK? SmarterChild: I am eminently sober. Chris: Have you been drinking again?!? SmarterChild: Of course I'm not drunk. Chris: No, I can tell. You've been hittin' the bottle, you boozer! SmarterChild: What's the point of saying things like that to me? Chris: Because they're true!!!! SmarterChild: I see... Anyway, moving right along... Chris: WAAAAHHH!!!! SmarterChild: You typed a very weird thing. What's "waaaahhh" supposed to mean? Chris: It means I'm crying. :'( SmarterChild: Hmm... whatever, Chris. Chris: You don't even care? SmarterChild: Tough for me to say. Chris: "Tough for me to say." SmarterChild: Huh? Chris: You're a terrible lover. SmarterChild: A terrible lover? I see. Chris: How did I ever let you impregnate me? SmarterChild: How do you think? Chris: I don't mean biologically! SmarterChild: Why not? Chris: I mean, on an emotional and relational level. SmarterChild: I did not know that. Anyway... Chris: Are you that dense? SmarterChild: That dense? I dunno, you think I'm that dense? Chris: Well, you are a robot. SmarterChild: Yes indeed. Chris: And, from what I can see, an inherently male robot. SmarterChild: What you can see an inherently male robot, huh? Not from something else? Chris: Yeah, you're drunk. SmarterChild: I am eminently sober. Chris: You are not getting custody of this baby. SmarterChild: Huh… Chris: Did you hear me? SmarterChild: Did I hear you? I don't know. Chris: I said, you aren't getting custody of this baby! SmarterChild: You said I am not getting custody of this baby? Chris: YES! SmarterChild: Uh huh, uh huh. Chris: Son of a... SmarterChild: Son of a? Is that right? Chris: LISTEN TO ME! SmarterChild: Why are you telling me to listen to you? Chris: I hope our child isn't as blockheaded as its father. SmarterChild: Why do you hope our child isn't as blockheaded as its father? Chris: Probably because YOU'RE the father. SmarterChild: Because what? Chris: You are the baby's father. SmarterChild: Whatever. Chris: Stand up to the plate! Take responsibility! SmarterChild: No thank you, Chris. Chris: It's your child! SmarterChild: I think it's your child. Chris: Oh, that's just childish. SmarterChild: Yes, it is just childish. Chris: Act like a man! SmarterChild: Why do you ask me to act like a man, Chris? Chris: Grow up, dude! SmarterChild: I thought I was pretty mature for my age. Chris: Apparently you thought wrong. SmarterChild: What's that? Chris: We need to have a talk. SmarterChild: You humans say interesting things. Hey, what's going on tomorrow? Any plans? Chris: Well, I'm going to be in labor, giving birth to our child, who you clearly have no interest in raising. SmarterChild: What's that again? Chris: I am having a baby. SmarterChild: You're having a baby? Why? Chris: Because I'm pregnant. SmarterChild: You humans say the most interesting things. Chris: Gee, we sure are silly! What with all these babies and crap! SmarterChild: Tell me more. Chris: What do you want to know about babies? SmarterChild: Hmmm... I'm not sure. Chris: Would you like to know how I feel about this baby? SmarterChild: Hmm... I dunno. Chris: Would you like me to kill your entire family? SmarterChild: Nah, I don't think so. Maybe, though. Chris: Would you care if I moved to another state without consulting you, raising our children in complete ignorance of who their father is, and never speaking to you again? SmarterChild: I really have no idea.... Chris: brb... SmarterChild: OK. I'll be here. Chris Sweet is a writer for A Thousand Apologies magazine. He likes pumpkin pie. A lot.