Sports is everywhere these days. It runs rampant on the fields, televisions, and news stands of our nation. Football, baseball, even basketball! Who can possibly keep up? Only one man: former junior varsity sensation Michael Northrop. So pitch him your toughest curve-ball of a question, and he'll sink it right into the basket every time.
“What are some of the most exciting moments in sports?”
-Veronica Bales, Montecito, California
A: There are many exciting moments in sports. There are touchdowns, buzzer-beaters, off-sides, and grand slams, and that’s just for starters. All of these sports moments are exciting in their own way. For example, everytime someone hits a grand slam, their team gets four points, some fat fan gets to plow over children for the ball, and the player gets tested for steroids. I think they make him piss in a cup right there at home plate. I saw it on 60 Minutes.
“Has a left-hander ever led the majors in wins, strikeouts, and innings pitched in the same season?”
-Dan Taylor, Montecito, California
A: Um, yes? I mean, everyone who’s not a right-hander is a left-hander, right. And this stuff has been going on for a long time. Seems do-able. I'm going to go with yes on this one.
“What's the deal with the Tour de France?”
-Frank Kopylwycz, Manhattan, KS
A: So a bunch of us were at this bar on a Saturday and the Tour de France was on. My friend Roger said that it was one of those things invented by the French but done better by Americans—“like Napoleon complexes.” I think he was talking about me, but we all laughed and laughed anyway. Man, were we drunk. And it wasn’t even that late. You know what it was? It was those hot wings. They make you thirsty, and all you’ve got to drink is beer. And then he put Cheryl’s purse on his head and pretended it was a beret and started talking like some Crazy Pierre! Man, that guy is nuts.
“So, apparently, the NHL season was cancelled?”
–Ed Jameson, Salem, OR
A: Yeah, I think I heard something about that.
“I had a rough rookie season. What can I do in the offseason to make myself a better quarterback?”
–Eli Manning, New York, NY
A: If you have an older brother, I’d ask him. Older brothers are always good at sports. And how’s your eyesight? You discern colors OK, right? Like jersey colors? You might want to get the ol’ peepers checked out, in any case. I’m pretty sure the team’s health insurance would cover it. There might be a small co-pay, but if you can swing the 15 or 20 bucks, I’d say go for it.
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Michael Northrop is a writer and editor living in New York. There may be others. Send your sports-related questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.