Once again, Opening
Day is, stupidly, Opening Night. The White Sox and Tribe square off in
primetime on Sunday, but please ignore that. The rest of the teams, along
with common sense, begin play on Monday, April 3. Get ready for the impending
AL action by being fat and reading this.
The New York Effects of Not Having
a Salary Cap
Last year: 95-67. This year: Will continue to represent all that is wrong
with baseball and the world.
The Boston World's Most Expensive
Last year: 95-67. This year: 84 years till next title.
The Toronto Also Has a Baseball
Last year: 80-82. This year: Much improved; still third.
The Baltimore Wouldn't You Rather
Watch the Nationals?
Last year: 74-88. This year: Biggest draw is pitching coach.
The Tampa Bay No Chance in Hells
Last year: 67-95. This year: Still perplexed by mechanics of throwing
The Chicago Can You Believe We Won the Frickin' Series?
Last year: 99-63. This year: Will talk about how they won the World Series
The Cleveland Remember Us in the
Movie Major League?
Last year: 93-69. This year: Did you know that Dennis Haysbert played
Cerrano? Seriously, President Palmer played the guy who sacrificed rum
to his bat.
The Minnesota Used To Be Goods
Last year: 83-79. This year: Will give it a good effort.
The Detroit Is a Dying City
Last year: 71-91. This year: July 23, Jeremy Bonderman Bobblehead Day.
The Kansas City Mercy Rules
Last year: 56-106. This year: The correct answer to the question "Where
is Doug Mientkiewicz?"
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
of Southern California of the United States
Last year: 95-67. This year: Still trotting out that damn Rally Monkey.
The Oakland Yellow and Green Don't Go Togethers
Last year: 88-74. This year: Actually a good young team.
The Texas Good Infield
Last year: 79-83. This year: Grounds crew decimated by new immigration
The Seattle That's Not Rain, Our Fans Are Crying
Last year: 69-93. This year: Still a pretty part of the country.