2006 American League Baseball Preview

Once again, Opening Day is, stupidly, Opening Night. The White Sox and Tribe square off in primetime on Sunday, but please ignore that. The rest of the teams, along with common sense, begin play on Monday, April 3. Get ready for the impending AL action by being fat and reading this.

AMERICAN LEAGUE:

EAST

The New York Effects of Not Having a Salary Cap
Last year: 95-67. This year: Will continue to represent all that is wrong with baseball and the world.

The Boston World's Most Expensive Underdogs
Last year: 95-67. This year: 84 years till next title.

The Toronto Also Has a Baseball Team
Last year: 80-82. This year: Much improved; still third.

The Baltimore Wouldn't You Rather Watch the Nationals?
Last year: 74-88. This year: Biggest draw is pitching coach.

The Tampa Bay No Chance in Hells
Last year: 67-95. This year: Still perplexed by mechanics of throwing a baseball.

CENTRAL
The Chicago Can You Believe We Won the Frickin' Series?
Last year: 99-63. This year: Will talk about how they won the World Series last year.

The Cleveland Remember Us in the Movie Major League?
Last year: 93-69. This year: Did you know that Dennis Haysbert played Cerrano? Seriously, President Palmer played the guy who sacrificed rum to his bat.

The Minnesota Used To Be Goods
Last year: 83-79. This year: Will give it a good effort.

The Detroit Is a Dying City
Last year: 71-91. This year: July 23, Jeremy Bonderman Bobblehead Day.

The Kansas City Mercy Rules
Last year: 56-106. This year: The correct answer to the question "Where is Doug Mientkiewicz?"

WEST

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Southern California of the United States
Last year: 95-67. This year: Still trotting out that damn Rally Monkey.

The Oakland Yellow and Green Don't Go Togethers
Last year: 88-74. This year: Actually a good young team.

The Texas Good Infield
Last year: 79-83. This year: Grounds crew decimated by new immigration laws.

The Seattle That's Not Rain, Our Fans Are Crying
Last year: 69-93. This year: Still a pretty part of the country.

 

 

Michael Northrop is a writer and editor living in New York. There may be others. Send your sports-related questions to michael@supermasterpiece.com.

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