Science and the Bible:
Friends at Last

by Ramsey Ess

As many as nearly half of all of today's scientists and scientologists are practicing Christians. Unfortunately, these two powerful forces have been feuding since the invention of logic in 1941. How is it that these Christian scientists have been able to reconcile their best friend (science) with their copilot (Jesus)? I'll tell you how, they're scientists and they get paid to be smart. Let's take a look at some examples of science and Christianity working together.

How did Jesus walk on water?
One of Jesus' most well known feats was his walking out to greet his fisherman disciples on top of the water. While modern day floatation devices allow Man to replicate the Lamb of God's great deed, spitefully mocking him, Mother Nature has been vindictively waving her metaphorical middle finger towards the heavens for centuries. The "Jesus lizard" (or "basilisk lizard" for those of non-Christian faith) is able to run at such a speed that the resulting force allows them to stay above water. So, I don't know, maybe Jesus did that. Bible doesn't really say.

How can Jesus love all the little children?
Scientists agree that Jesus suffered from congestive cardiomyopathy which resulted in an enlarged and stretched heart cavity for the Son of Man. The increased heart space that would develop as a result of this affliction allowed Jesus to love a larger number of little children than what would ordinarily be possible, more specifically, all.

How did Jesus feed the five thousand with only five loaves of bread and two fish?
When Jesus had to feed his many followers with just a few pieces of food, math, the Christian-friendly division of science, came to the rescue as it often does. By dividing the meager food supplies into five thousand, along with the "science" of stunning dish presentation and good manners, Jesus was able to turn a planning disaster into a meal of rich, concentrated flavor that left everyone hungry for more. Bam!

How could Jesus sustain the many wounds He was given during the scourging ordered by Pilate?
One theory that has been circulating through much of the scientific community is that Jesus might be related to Superman. Like a cousin or something. You guys saw The Passion. Jesus was indestructible.

But what about-
Kryptonite nails.

The Bible states that the world was created 6,000 years ago while modern day dating techniques state that it is around 4.55 billion years. What gives?
The majority of theories surrounding the origins of the Earth are just that: theories. To say that- Or, rather, if we examine this question from the point of view of... (Hey, come on, man, I thought we were doing just New Testament stuff. 6,000 years isn't long enough to put dinosaurs in there, plus we've got gold and bronze ages from about thirty different countries. Look. It took me this long to get science and the Bible in the same camp, can you please not fuck this up for me?)

Why was Jesus so great?
Scholars point to passages in the book of Revelations in which it is revealed that much of Jesus' greatness was due to His extensive knowledge of jazz and jazz-fusion as well as his reputation for brushing after every meal, even after eating out at a high-class restaurant. I personally think they're talking about somebody else, but keep in mind that this is from Revelations and that stuff's crazy.