and the Bible:
Friends at Last
by Ramsey Ess
many as nearly half of all of today's scientists and scientologists
are practicing Christians. Unfortunately, these two powerful forces
have been feuding since the invention of logic in 1941. How is it that
these Christian scientists have been able to reconcile their best friend
(science) with their copilot (Jesus)? I'll tell you how, they're scientists
and they get paid to be smart. Let's take a look at some examples of
science and Christianity working together.
did Jesus walk on water?
One of Jesus' most well known feats was his walking out to greet his
fisherman disciples on top of the water. While modern day floatation
devices allow Man to replicate the Lamb of God's great deed, spitefully
mocking him, Mother Nature has been vindictively waving her metaphorical
middle finger towards the heavens for centuries. The "Jesus lizard"
(or "basilisk lizard" for those of non-Christian faith) is
able to run at such a speed that the resulting force allows them to
stay above water. So, I don't know, maybe Jesus did that. Bible doesn't
can Jesus love all the little children?
Scientists agree that Jesus suffered from congestive cardiomyopathy
which resulted in an enlarged and stretched heart cavity for the Son
of Man. The increased heart space that would develop as a result of
this affliction allowed Jesus to love a larger number of little children
than what would ordinarily be possible, more specifically, all.
did Jesus feed the five thousand with only five loaves of bread and
When Jesus had to feed his many followers with just a few pieces of
food, math, the Christian-friendly division of science, came to the
rescue as it often does. By dividing the meager food supplies into five
thousand, along with the "science" of stunning dish presentation
and good manners, Jesus was able to turn a planning disaster into a
meal of rich, concentrated flavor that left everyone hungry for more.
could Jesus sustain the many wounds He was given during the scourging
ordered by Pilate?
One theory that has been circulating through much of the scientific
community is that Jesus might be related to Superman. Like a cousin
or something. You guys saw The Passion. Jesus was indestructible.
Bible states that the world was created 6,000 years ago while modern
day dating techniques state that it is around 4.55 billion years. What
The majority of theories surrounding the origins of the Earth are just
that: theories. To say that- Or, rather, if we examine this question
from the point of view of... (Hey, come on, man, I thought we were doing
just New Testament stuff. 6,000 years isn't long enough to put dinosaurs
in there, plus we've got gold and bronze ages from about thirty different
countries. Look. It took me this long to get science and the Bible in
the same camp, can you please not fuck this up for me?)
was Jesus so great?
Scholars point to passages in the book of Revelations in which it is
revealed that much of Jesus' greatness was due to His extensive knowledge
of jazz and jazz-fusion as well as his reputation for brushing after
every meal, even after eating out at a high-class restaurant. I personally
think they're talking about somebody else, but keep in mind that this
is from Revelations and that stuff's crazy.