A Catholic's Guide to Passover
By Roger White

This is a magical time for the Jewish faith. All about, the flowers are in bloom and birds are singing the lovely songs of Passover. With an estimated 14 million adherents to this faith, that leaves, oh I don't know, let's say, a couple billion people or so who may be in the dark about this yearly celebration.

Now, as someone who went to Catholic schools for eight years and has also studied Judiasm- well, not studied, persay... I mean, I've known some Jewish folks. Well, not really- okay,
I've seen some films about Jewish people, couple of Woody Allen movies. The earlier, funnier ones. But not Sleeper, it just looked boring. Anyway, I think this allows me to act as a bridge between the two faiths and serve as the conduit for a deeper understanding between these two religions which are separated solely by the second chapter of a really big book.

What is Passover?
Passover is the 8 day observance commemorating the freedom and exodus of the Israelites from Egypt during the reign of the Pharaoh Ramses II.

Ah, like in The Ten Commandments
I guess. Is it mentioned in those?

No, the movie, with Charlton Heston.
Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, Passover begins on the 15th day of the Jewish month of Nissan (Just like the car!). As they have some kooky way of starting their day the night before, they begin their celebration with the Seder, a meal consisting of saltines/pita bread and grape juice because that is what their ancestors took into the desert to eat, not having the time to cook a proper meal.

Why is it called "Passover?"
I'm glad you asked!

Well?
It is called "Passover" because way back when, in order to encourage the Pharaoh to free the Israelites, God intended to kill the first-born of both man and beast. To protect themselves, the night before they took off with their grape juice, the Israelites were told to mark their dwellings with lamb's blood so that God's baby asassin could identify and "pass over" their homes.

Now, I think I heard one time that some folks actually still mark their doorways in order to symbolically celebrate this event. Here are a few options for your home:

• Red dye
It'll get you there, but stains most forms of siding, clothing and skin.

• Corn syrup mixed with food coloring
Too sweet; Insects, neighborhood children may get stuck to door frame, trying to get a taste.

• Red wine
Unacceptable. This is the blood of Christ.

• Lamb's blood
Kind of creepy. Where the hell would you even get this, anyway? A butcher shop? Do they even still have butcher shops?

• Human blood
Effective and easy to get your hands on. Simply pretend to get into a horrible accident. When they take you to the hospital and hook you up to some blood, simply take the blood hose and empty it into a plastic bag carefully hidden on your person when no one is looking.

NOTE: This method also works when you need large quantities of sugar water and morphine.

What about the four questions?
Simply remember "Who, what, where and when" and you'll have the basics for a good news story.

What about the extra place setting?
Ah, yes, for the prophet Elijah. The door is left open and an extra glass of wine set at the table, for him to come in and sit down. He's sort of like the Jewish dead grandfather in 'The Family Circus.'

My, this all sounds rather exotic!
I know! Now, if you'll pardon me, I have to get ready to chant things for an hour before eating the flesh and drinking the blood of the transubstianted son of the one and only diety.

- RJ White is a Catholic. He lives in Philadelphia.