This week: London!
[After leaving the United States only once in the previous twenty-six
years (a thirty minute visit to Canada in 1998 entailed no more than
the purchase of some prescription drugs and a few back issues of prescription
Juggs), our xenophobic correspondent embarked on a month-long 'whirlwind'
tour of Europe's seats of power - London, Paris, Denmark - decimating
each with irresistible cyclonic winds. Watch this space for his weekly
dispatches from ravaged 'Old World' capitals. -Ed.]
Bangers! In Londonese, that means 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'that's your
pleghm.' Now this might seem like the frightening talk of primitive
savages, but Americans can take heart knowing that most of the bastardized
pidgin dialect spoken here, descended from our own English, is perfectly
comprehensible. Just be careful not to get caught with your 'knickers'
in the 'lift bin,' if you get my meaning. If you're going to have a
good time in London, you'll first need to familiarize yourself with
the local currency. The British eschew our dollar in favor of the 'pound'
system. If you see an item in a store that you wish to buy, you must
find the shopkeeper and pound him until he can't stop you from taking
it. And just because more pounds equals more cash, that doesn't mean
that fat people are rich; here the obese are weighed with stones, a
shameful mark of destitution. So cash in your blubbery Yank ass at the
Embassy, Fatstuff, or I'll pound it for you!
Londoners are too stupid to walk or drive themselves any meaningful
distance, so for transit they depend on quaint double-decker buses known
as 'tubes.' Thankfully, tube maps are everywhere, and young hipster
tourists are especially fond of wearing t-shirts printed with the more
popular routes. So whenever you need to get from 'Elephant
and Chips' to 'Caution: Busker,' hop up to the top deck of the next
tube and let it whisk you off to your destination while you leisurely
admire Britain's famously beautiful females from a discreet vantage.
like me, you're too 'wicked cool' for that lame old tourist crap, but
you're not. Naturally you'll want to see Picadilly Circus, the Tower
of London, Big Ben, Scotland and Buckingham Palace, from whence Her
Royal Highness the Queen rules her magnificent Empire, which these days
consists of Ireland, a patch of sand in the Bahamas and most of an old
'Risk' set. Say, if you ask me, the ham isn't the only thing they're
bucking. Where's a guy supposed to get a decent pastrami sandwich around
Answer: New York. This fact notwithstanding, London actually does not
deserve its notorious reputation for serving the world's most odious
food. Natives are savvy to exclusive local eateries that produce some
of the most indescribably delectable cuisine ever savored. However,
due to the persistent rumor begun by the envious Flemish, tourists demand
to eat the flavorless gruel which has made London erroneously infamous,
if only to confirm their assumptions of culinary superiority. They are
dispensed the usual canned fish, coagulated blood and other ludicrously
named putrescence with knowing smirks. If you must eat in public, remember
to pack the toothpaste! The custom
here is to brush and floss immediately after coffee, for Britons cannot
tolerate persons demonstrating lax dental hygiene.
Disappointingly, London's fame belies its standing as modern Europe's
most insignificant backwater, so don't budget more than 3 or 4 hoursor
you'll start to see the same people and sights again and again. So mardy
off, paggas! I'm boffed off for The Hague. See you next week!