This week: Athens!
korikus, ghythax! Athens is the place. Whether you're into
men dancing with each other platonically or joylessly recovering
your pickpocketed documents and travelers checks at a depressing
consulate, 'the cradle of democracy' can always get you your
jollies. And how! How? Well, since you ask, most Americans fly.
Skip the airline hummos and handcuff yourself to your passport.
Wait, they don't call it hummos in Greece? Well, since you know
so much, YOU write the friggin thing. I'm sick of this hjfghfg''a
Okay, I WILL write it. If you've been reading this chump's travel
literature the last few months, you've probably seen a lot of
ludicrous suggestions as to where you should lodge in these
exotic seats of Western Civilization. God forbid you took him
up on his recommendation to set up an earthen lean-to beneath
an apothecary's eave in Riga. The very idea! I mean, can you
imagine the infection from exposing your skin to the outside
air alone? No, what you need is one of those little blue masks,
for starters, and then find yourself a Best Western in the tourist
area (if you see a shop that isn't selling little Venus de Milo
statues with nameplates on them, HINT, it's not the right part
of town). No reason to take chances, in this day and age, that
you may have to sleep more than one night without a complimentary
hairdryer next to the sink.
You know my motto: play it safe. If an after hours club near
the US Army base is serving alcohol past 9 pm, chances are someone
in there is drunk. A drunk soldier will just as soon kill you
with knives as piss on you, so down your virgin Shirley Temple
and get the fug out of there! The Ruby Tuesday's near the tour
bus stop will usually give you a discount on fried clam appetizers
if you walk in waving your hands over your head and shout, "JE
My girlfriend's always tried to get me to try the souvlaki and
stuffed grape leaves and all this weird stuff, but what's the
point when you can grab a big mac and a handful of mcnuggets
right around the corner? If you do get stuck eating at these
local 'grub huts' (it's all Greek to me, guys) you can usually
persuade them to make you some spaghetti if you ask nicely,
and yell out each syllable with hand gestures. And send anything
that isn't spaghetti right back to the kitchen. What is this
stuff, pocket bread? EW.
Look, this city is super smoggy. I mean, you could drag your
butt out of bed at 10 am and get on some stuffy bus to go visit
a bunch of old crumbly buildings the Muslims blew up, but there's
a post card in the motel gift shop ten times better than any
picture you could take. Oh, it's not? Well, show us how it's
done, Mister Piss Christ, as long as you're the motherloving
pro from Dover over here. Meanwhile, I'm going to see if they
get TBS on their hotel lobby poopbox! SUCKERS!
I'm the last person who doesn't want to have a good time, but
that doesn't mean I want to spend all morning playing pictionary
with a bunch of swarthy, illiterate policemen trying to get
my wife's purse back. Put all your money in your shoes--shopkeepers
will compliment your cleverness as you hand them over drachmas
from your socksmas--and fill your purse or wallet with vaseline!
That will show those thieves a thing or two, and if for some
reason nobody steals your stuff, you'll have your booby trap
ready to go the next time you travel. Ok, I think I've made
my point. Back to Shek!
Ed. Shek was found knifed to death and stinking of urine.