This week: Athens!
Minauleus korikus, ghythax! Athens is the place. Whether you're into men dancing with each other platonically or joylessly recovering your pickpocketed documents and travelers checks at a depressing consulate, 'the cradle of democracy' can always get you your jollies. And how! How? Well, since you ask, most Americans fly. Skip the airline hummos and handcuff yourself to your passport. Wait, they don't call it hummos in Greece? Well, since you know so much, YOU write the friggin thing. I'm sick of this hjfghfg''a 83478

Okay, I WILL write it. If you've been reading this chump's travel literature the last few months, you've probably seen a lot of ludicrous suggestions as to where you should lodge in these exotic seats of Western Civilization. God forbid you took him up on his recommendation to set up an earthen lean-to beneath an apothecary's eave in Riga. The very idea! I mean, can you imagine the infection from exposing your skin to the outside air alone? No, what you need is one of those little blue masks, for starters, and then find yourself a Best Western in the tourist area (if you see a shop that isn't selling little Venus de Milo statues with nameplates on them, HINT, it's not the right part of town). No reason to take chances, in this day and age, that you may have to sleep more than one night without a complimentary hairdryer next to the sink.

You know my motto: play it safe. If an after hours club near the US Army base is serving alcohol past 9 pm, chances are someone in there is drunk. A drunk soldier will just as soon kill you with knives as piss on you, so down your virgin Shirley Temple and get the fug out of there! The Ruby Tuesday's near the tour bus stop will usually give you a discount on fried clam appetizers if you walk in waving your hands over your head and shout, "JE SUIS AMERICAIN!"

My girlfriend's always tried to get me to try the souvlaki and stuffed grape leaves and all this weird stuff, but what's the point when you can grab a big mac and a handful of mcnuggets right around the corner? If you do get stuck eating at these local 'grub huts' (it's all Greek to me, guys) you can usually persuade them to make you some spaghetti if you ask nicely, and yell out each syllable with hand gestures. And send anything that isn't spaghetti right back to the kitchen. What is this stuff, pocket bread? EW.

Look, this city is super smoggy. I mean, you could drag your butt out of bed at 10 am and get on some stuffy bus to go visit a bunch of old crumbly buildings the Muslims blew up, but there's a post card in the motel gift shop ten times better than any picture you could take. Oh, it's not? Well, show us how it's done, Mister Piss Christ, as long as you're the motherloving pro from Dover over here. Meanwhile, I'm going to see if they get TBS on their hotel lobby poopbox! SUCKERS!

Safety Tips
I'm the last person who doesn't want to have a good time, but that doesn't mean I want to spend all morning playing pictionary with a bunch of swarthy, illiterate policemen trying to get my wife's purse back. Put all your money in your shoes--shopkeepers will compliment your cleverness as you hand them over drachmas from your socksmas--and fill your purse or wallet with vaseline! That will show those thieves a thing or two, and if for some reason nobody steals your stuff, you'll have your booby trap ready to go the next time you travel. Ok, I think I've made my point. Back to Shek!

Ed. Shek was found knifed to death and stinking of urine.


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