choosing a girlfriend

Say you don't have a girlfriend. Or say you have one you just now realize isn't working out. With all the women in the world to choose from, finding only one of them to be your girlfriend seems like a daunting task. Noooo problem, my friend. Lucky for you, all women fall neatly into one of these ten varieties.

"The High-school Girlfriend"

She's peppy, she's wholesome and she's 18. Unfortunately, she's easily damaged and doesn't really seem to know how to do anything, unless you're into third-chair concert band flute playing. Plus, she might use slang you don't understand and she'll cry if you're late picking her up from cheerleading practice. She also has a tendency to mystify by, say, hosting a pajama party rather than making out with you under the bleachers. This one's strictly for beginners only, because only a beginner has a chance of learning something from a relationship with High-School Girlfriend.

"The Fixer-Upper"

Super cute, and also super neurotic. May come with an eating disorder, 'daddy issues,' or an infuriating emotional cyclone combining both. By turns delightfully funny and inexplicably mopey, don't be surprised if you come home to find her huddled beneath blankets on the sofa, counting the pinholes in the ceiling tiles. She may secretly 'test' you, and 'reward' you if you 'pass' by not blowing up at you in public. She's not recommended for rebounders, or anyone with an abundance of expired medication in the bathroom cabinet.

"The Wild Child"

No doubt about it, she's a ton of fun , especially at the outset. She'll suggest you do things you've never even heard of that sound crazy, but turn out to be incredible. You're likely to spend your free time ridiculing strangers on the street or just fucking with people for no reason, then staying up all night having crazy good sex. Once that week is up, though, she's going to get kind of weird. Her end of conversations will consist of little more than disinterested chain smoking, looking around and the occasional "mm-hmm" or "whatever, that sucks." When she starts pushing for an open relationship, that actually means she's been seeing another guy for a month. Soon she'll be telling you that you weren't ever her real boyfriend anyway, so what the hell is your fucking problem. Yikes. Sorry, got carried away with this one. Don't ask.

"The Hippie Chick"

Really down to earth. Literally! Seriously, though, she's a proponent of the natural look, which means she's a fashion victim, but at least she doesn't mind the fact that you're a hairy slob. Plenty of weed for everybody, and she'll support whatever idiot post-art school career idea you have, even if it's just a hopeless excuse not to get a paying job. When one of you gets the sniffles, she will use a lot of herbal or holistic cures, which are a) less effective than, b) smellier than and c) just as expensive as, you know, medicine. Also, you're going to be going to a lot of rallies which consist of you, her, and a couple of dreadlocked chicks in overalls holding a hand-painted banner on a street corner 1000 feet from a government building.

"The Nerd"

The good news: she will indulge you in all the adolescent past-times most of your other friends gave up in high school. We're talking superhero comic books, miniature figurine painting, any computer game where you spend all your time trying to 'up your stats' and the dudes all go 'what hast thou' and shit. Fantasy roleplaying games, the works. You can get away with anything that would cause your male friends to shun you forever. The bad news: she's homely. Two words: unicorn fixation. She might have genetically reinforced grooming problems. She has no ability to modulate the volume of her speaking voice (she's either ninja quiet or elephant loud). And she will spend even more time on the internet than you, nerd.

"The Princess"

Very pretty. Very smart. Very ruthless. Soon after you start dating - and, my friend, you are going to be dating, as in picking her up, buying her dinner, going to the theater, taking the long stroll to her doorway and jerking off at home - she'll inform you that she had your background 'looked into' and that you either do or do not 'check out.' Relationship advancement may be tied to career advancement as well. Within six months you are going to find yourself outside a jewelry store with a small parcel in hand, sweating and muttering to yourself. Fighting her is pointless. Your children are going to be very well-behaved.

"Sham Girlfriend"

Simply put, you aren't right for each other. You'd like to find one thing interesting about her, but damned if you know where to look, and vice-versa. She is fine-looking, but the sex is as passionless and stultifying as your conversation. You were most likely set up by "Mutual Platonic Female Friend," often herself mistaken for Sham Girlfriend. Works well as a transitional girlfriend, or to break a long dry spell. You are guaranteed to look fabulous together at up to four social gatherings, which you will spend slowly dying inside.

"Sporty Girlfriend"

Yes sir, she likes herself some out-of-doors. Hiking, rock climbing, biking, kayaking, skiing, water skiing, fucking in a nylon tent. Obsessive, repetitive exercise may result in an alarmingly muscular physique, and 'tan' will become a generously understated description of her skin tone come August. She'll drink you under the table so many times you'll wonder where the hell she's putting it. After she blows her knee out and tones down her workout regimen while continuing her beer-drinking regimen, you will be able to see exactly where she's putting it.

"The Intellectual"

Hope you like post-modern theoretical literary discussion. Get used to hearing things like "Frankly, I don't see how that blowhard Gottlieb gets away with all his facile anti-deconstructionalist theoretical tomfoolery. The 'mother-figure-as-progeny-substitute' argument has been roundly refuted." Also, she's going to pick one 3-dollar word, such as 'quiddity,' as her go-to. You will soon argue the 'quiddity' of such things as table wine, 400 thread count bed sheets, and lemon fresh Pledge, without ever figuring out what the hell quiddity even means. And she pronounces it 'quid-uh-TEA.' Good thing she's super hot in glasses and a pony tail.

"Perfect Girlfriend"

No, you don't want this one, trust me. Yes, her sense of humor is terrific. Yes, she likes the same music you do, except for that one band you'll always have playful arguments about. I'm telling you, steer clear. Of course she's easy on the eyes, so much so that your friends will wonder what's got into you when you're at the sports bar and you suddenly start talking wistfully about the way her hair falls over her left eye just so. Right, it almost seems like she knows what you're thinking, and you finish each other's sentences, and on and on. Listen, how about a nice Princess instead? OK, I'll tell you: because she'll break your heart when she finally finds the man she deserves, dumbass.


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