Destination: Awesome
When last we left Shek, he was enjoying all the amenities of 'Motel' ("The Best, and Only, Building in Niland, CA Even Remotely Resembling Lodgings"), such as the unceasing freight train horn blasts, complimentary soiled sheets, and constant fear of being murdered by desperate hobos. Having bolted the door and set his cell phone alarm to ring at 5:30 am, he greets the Mojave dawn on…

 

Day 2 – Niland

Photo not blurry; scenery actually is this indistinct.

Remember last night, when fastening the deadbolt seemed like a pretty good idea? Your fear of being assaulted by nocturnal desert nomads is ironically punished, city boy! Like most things in 'Motel,' the lock works only half way…'unlocking' being the non-working half. Brute force won't move the door, and the windows are painted shut. Luckily the air vents, which last night flawlessly transmitted every disagreeable sound generated throughout the building, double as an emergency intercom. Shout plaintively into them until a sleepy man with clown hair who has not known a shower arrives scowling at the window. He has "told them about that motherfucking lock." He will punch through the plywood housing around the air conditioner and hand you a Swiss army knife, which eventually frees you. He is, again, sorry, and reiterates that he told them "about that fucking thing." Thank him and hit the road before something, you know, bad happens.

 

Felicity

Oh, it's certifiable all right.

What's the matter? Don't believe that a map smudge with a population of 4 can possibly be the Official Center of the World? Well, read them and weep, jackass, because we have the pyramid to prove it! If that's not good enough for you, how about you ask the governments of France and China where the Official Center of the World is? Still not convinced? Fork over the twenty bucks, stand inside, and we'll give you a certificate that confirms that this here pyramid is the Official Damned Center of the Goddamned World. How do you like that one? Now get the hell out of here!

 

Northeastern Alaska

'Rarrr' this, Fuzzy: drill drill drill drill.

By a quirk of geography, the Union's largest state is located south of the California line, just across a featureless white strait. Keep your wits about you as the farms and sand dunes of the Golden State give way to a deathly frozen steppe shrouded in perpetual night. Your survival depends on your ability to build a warm fire in the ice and wind, but for pete's sake, don't put it right under the tree covered with icicles…oh, eff this. Just remember your wildcatting equipment so you can sink yourself an oil well and get rid of these irritating wildlifes.

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