Discount Army

As Donald Rumsfeld learned on his recent trip to Kuwait, US soldiers in Iraq have been improvising their own humvee armor from metal found on the scrap heap. But that’s just the beginning of the money saving, do-it-yourself efforts of our resourceful troops.

• Instead of the standard military “crew cut,” troops opt for the less expensive “buzz cut”

• Meals are often scarce, so Marines venture out to eat hot lead.

• Lacking sufficient weaponry, soldiers have improvised a crude attack which propels tiny shards of ore through a hollow metal tube at high speeds.

• Troops ask Halliburton if they can borrow some of their stuff, it looks pretty bad-ass.

• In the event of a cigarette shortage, purchase cheap and plentiful Afghani opium.

• Armor, weapons, food, shelter, medicine, air support and transportation waste valuable taxpayer dollars. Prayer, on the other hand, is free free free.

• Save expensive office fees by hand-copying their own “Application for Retirement DENIED” forms

• Pentagon considering taking the motto “Army of One” literally.

• Guns are expensive; try chucking bullets really hard at enemy instead.

• Favorable exchange rate leads U.S. government to relocate entire war to Ottawa.

• Army field medical kits now contain just a belt, a hack saw, and a shot of whiskey.

• Remember the old adage: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me...” Sticks and stones can also break the bones of the insurgency! (If sticks and stones are in short supply, soldiers may substitute words.)

• Nature’s Bullet Proof Vest - Your ribcage! The sternum is one of the strongest bones in the body! Or, at least is very strong in that bones are strong.  Maybe your skull is strongest bone.
• Nature’s Helmet - Your skull! Works better than Nature’s bullet proof vest! If soldiers make use of their low morale and walk with horrible posture, you may be able to protect your chest WITH your head!

• Use rechargeable batteries in POW testicle electrocuting devices.
• Improvised Hamburger- mold falafel into a hamburger shape and instead of folding it into a pita, use two piece of pita to simulate a bun! Mmmmm. Smother it with ketchup and mustard.  

• Soldiers must construct their own pornography using nothing but wire, rudimentary hoods and Iraqi prisoners.

• Change name of the Marines to Target CompUSA Savings Soldiers.

• Nothing is more hip these days than vintage clothing. Buy vintage supplies from one of those Army/Navy Surplus stores. (What is an “army surplus” anyway?)

• Lavish USO entertainment showcases featuring the Rockettes or the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders replaced by budget-friendly one-man farce: Rumsfeld’s town hall sessions.

Suggestions by Shek Baker, Liz Lent, Chris Messick, Lee Ranieri, J.D. Ryznar, Tony Zaret, and Stephen Levinson.

Have a money-saving tip for our troops? Send it to

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