Fine, Have the
Olympics at My Place.

Olympic fever has caught hold of New York, and its just as crappy as a regular fever.

Last week, New York mayor Bloomberg suffered a setback to his Olympic bid when his plan to build a stadium on the west side was nixed. After a major hissy fit, he’s now trying to build a new Olympic Village in Queens. Locals are up in arms. If they wanted to see the Olympics, they say, they wouldn’t have left Greece in the first place.

Instead of bringing us together, the Olympic Games are tearing us apart. All for an event that isn’t going to happen for years, and is just going to end up in Paris anyway (the world hates us, remember?) But we have to listen to the politicians whine and gripe about it for months anyway.

Well, enough is enough. If it’s such a big deal to you, you can have your goddamn Olympics at my place. I’m not even a big sports fan, I’m just sick of all the bickering.

I’m just going to lay out a few simple rules:

- 1. No equestrian events after midnight. My downstairs neighbors called the police on us last week, and we weren't even having a party or moving furniture or anything. We were just walking around. So they would freak out.

- 2. Don’t drink my beer. The beer in the fridge in a black plastic bag is mine. Usually its Brooklyn Lager, though if you decide to have the Olympics in the summer, there might be the occasional Corona. Also, the seltzer is mine, that’s why it has my name on it. If one of the athletes wants a snack late at night, they can have some of my eggs, but if they finish them off, they have to buy a new carton.

- 3. Keep the torch away from our smoke detector This is just common sense.

- 4. The Kenyan womens wrestling team stays out It’s kind of a long story, but there’s some bad history there. Just keep them out, no exceptions. It’s not like they were going to win anyway.

- 5. Bowling must be instated as an Olympic sport Honestly, I’m not sure if bowling is already an Olympic sport or not, but if you're going to have the games at my place, it better be. I mean, how cool would that be?

- 6. Necktie = Keep Out If I put a necktie around my doorknob, that means I’m getting some action and you should give me ten minutes or so. And if you put a necktie on the bedroom door, that means you’re skeet shooting and I’ll stay away.

- 7. Come Sail Away for bronze No more playing your national anthem if all you win is a bronze. (Does third place really deserve a medal?) Instead, you’ve gotta play “Come Sail Away” by Styx. That song is so sweet.

That’s it. Easy.

I haven’t told my roommates about this yet, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. My brother crashed at our place for a few weeks one time, and everyone was real chill about it. Chuck’s not around the house all that often these days, and maybe you could give Sheldon a job working the concession stands or the pole vault or something. He could really use a job.

You’re welcome,


Stephen Levinson is one of the co-founders of More of his writing can be found here.



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