Year that Will Be
What does the coming year have in store for us? The futurologists at Supermasterpiece have a few ideas. And we predict you will be amused!
• Scientists will discover a way to successfully reanimate cryogenically suspended human bodies. Hundreds will be thawed and awakened with the news that, although it's only 2005 and no cure has been discovered for their terminal cancer, at least there's a way to revive them now, so that's one less thing to worry about in the meantime.
• Tests will determine that cell phones give you cancer in the part of the brain that governs not being a self-absorbed cock.
• Chemist Quentin Parcelli will make big headlines with his new AIDS pill. He will later say, sheepishly, “Ohhhhh, you wanted the pill to cure AIDS.”
• An intelligent alien race will finally respond to our "Leave It to Beaver" broadcasts, but they will be a bunch of insufferable moralistic pricks who won't shut up about the 'fraudulent tropes of liberal socialism.' Thanks, scientists.
• Scientists will discover another moon circling
Jupiter, bringing the total number up to who-gives-a-shit.
• Jeff Goldblum, aging ungracefully, will emerge from botched plastic surgery bearing an unfortunate resemblance to his character in The Fly.
• Pop music sounds the same as ever, but gets a sexier haircut, which your neighbor mistakenly thinks also makes her sexy.
• Ben Affleck and Lindsay Lohan will totally do it.
• The Scissor Sisters will all be killed in a tragic elevator crash, in my loveliest, most ecstatic fantasies.
• A mysterious nauseating illness will beset every Princess Cruise featuring a Captain and Tenille cover band.
• The iPod will become less popular after it's yanked out of your ears and shoved right up your perfumed hipster asshole, you preening douche.
• Due to coverage of the bizarre murder of a local San Diego television meteorologist, the Weathergirls' hit “It's Rainin' Men” will once again top the charts for two weeks in July.
• Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson!
• A grand electronic web will suddenly disappear and a magnificently terrible new age of darkness and sufferring will begin. Probably on midnight of December 31, 2004. I'm pretty sure about that.
• US high schools will rank near the bottom worldwide in every category except heartwarming sports movies.
• In a surprise move, the Supreme Court strikes God from the pledge, and installs Him into Lemon-Fresh Pledge.
• Federal reserve chairman Alan Greenspan will decide to raise interest rates by a quarter of a point, and astonishingly, someone you know will give a crap.
• President Bush won’t do anything to bother anyone all year.
• Washington, DC will become the nation's safest city overnight follwing the decriminalization of murder-juana.
• Elvin Wertheim and Georgina Russell of Bethesda, Maryland, will set a record when their discussion about the 2004 election goes 72 minutes without once mentioning Hitler.
• A republican-dominated congress manages to impeach former presidential candidate John Kerry. Somehow.
• Due to its overwhelming success in the Ukraine, many American politicians consider getting ‘all dioxined up’ in preparation for the 2006 election season.
BUSINESS & FINANCE
• Wal-Mart prices will hit rock bottom again, as the value of the human soul falls to $1.49.
• Hudson Toyota in Jersey City will have unheard-of savings during this year’s Toyotathon sales event!
• The American Dollar continues to plummet against every other world currency, including the American Penny.
• A McDonalds advertisement will appear in a small highschool newspaper in Cedarville, Idaho without a “TM” logo, after which ownership of the name “McDonalds,” will be completely up for grabs.
• Just when Iraq can get no worse, it will crack open and a beautiful butterfly will emerge. The giant butterfly handily wins the election, but goes back on campaign promise not to eat everybody's face.
• Ukraine will replace Canada as the #1 country Democrats claim to be moving to.
• The Mayor of the Indian Ocean will consider installing some sort of device to warn people against massive tidal waves.
• The world community will finally just chill out and stop bitching about America all the time.
• The new computer your parents bought you for Christmas begins to suck right...about...now!
• “My friends will be sorry when they’re at my funeral!” you think, but really, ‘relieved’ is more like it.
• The guys in the upstairs apartment will continue to play their music very loudly. However, they will get into Dixieland jazz in mid-March.
Predictions by Shek Baker, RJ White, Mickie Cathers & Stephen Levinson
Have a prediction for 2005? Send it to email@example.com