Even after you have it in your possession, you will still be unable to comprehend the awesome power that is the APPLE G3 COMPUTER. Forged in the exotic and faraway land of THAILAND, using ancient time-honored techniques, and transported to the Americas at GREAT EXPENSE, this VIRTUAL THINKING MACHINE can perform COMPLEX MULTIPLICATION PROBLEMS at the mere touch of a button!

The complete works of GEORGE BERNARD SHAW or BRAD ANDERSON will easily fit inside the CAVERNOUS 4 GIGABYTE "Caviar 24300 Hard Drive" contained within this machine's luxurious beige casing.

And if you're a fellow who appreciates speed (and I know I am), then you simply must experience the lighting-fast 2 x 2 x 6 EXTERNAL Compact Disc Burner, also included.

Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to tell you that this computer also comes with a MASSIVE 100 MEGABYTE ZIP DRIVE, manufactured by the IOMEGA CORPORATION. For those of you not in the know, IOMEGA is to the Zip drive as Stradivarius is to the violin: Awesome!

Also included: An Xclaim TV GRAPHICS CARD by the prestigious ATI CORPORATION. Dear friend, it would not be an exaggeration to say that this card and the accompanying ATI TV INTERFACE MODULE, when taken together, add up to a computing experience that is truly greater than the thrill of sexual climax. You can output the RCA connectors from a camera or VCR directly into your new POWERMAC G3 COMPUTER for the ultimate rush of your life. And be sure to give your ancient, black and white Zenith monstrosity to your sniveling mother-in-law, because you'll be able to watch all the entertainment and joy of TELEVISION on this machine as well.

This computer is cram-packed full of ASTOUNDING and AMAZING WONDERS such as OVER 300 MEGABYTES of "RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY," software applications such as CALCULATOR and SIMPLETEXT (which will allow you to compose the GREATEST LITERARY WORK OF ALL TIME) and perhaps even a digital photo of one of my GORGEOUS and EXOTIC EX-GIRLFRIENDS.

It is my sincere belief that you will grow to loath and despise the period in your life before which you were in possession of this ingenious device, because also included is a fully operational APPLE MICROPHONE which, when used in combination with your new computer, will capture your honeyed VOICE in the pristine medium of digital audio.

Dear reader, you may never become a multi-millionaire, sipping the finest wines of Australia while being dowsed with sweet-smelling ointments by virginal young virgins. You may never master the intricacies of the pianoforte, holding the salons of Europe in thrall to your melodic fingersongs. You may never even enter the gleaming gated community on the other side of life known as Heaven. But by bidding on and owning this incredible, Godly computing instrument, you will be able to say that you have truly experienced all the richness and sublime bliss that existence has to offer.

Monitor, wine, candle not included.

 

Stephen Levinson is a co-founder of Supermasterpiece.com. More of his writing can be found here.