candy analysis

Do you have a favorite candy bar? I bet you do! But candy can tell more about a person than just that they have a sweet tooth. Candy bars grant 'mounds' of insight into the personality of their owners. At least that's the comic premise behind this lovely feature.

Pay Day "Pay Day" purchasers live paycheck to paycheck. They're so drawn to this candy bar's name, that they're able to overcome its horrible flavor to be nearer to the fantasy of their actual pay day. Ironically, when they are paid, they spend most of their meagre earnings on ever more candy.

Skor People who eat Skor bars are easy for you to "skor" with. But only because their bottomless well of self-hatred makes them so desperate for any human attention whatsoever. So wear protection!

Milk Duds When you hear someone say "milk dud" you should think "milk dude," because dudes who eat them really like milk. Can you blame them? Absolutely.

M&Ms DANGER: AVOID M&M eaters at ALL COSTS. People who eat M&Ms are so dangerously psychopathic, this confection's name may as well stand for "Murder and More Murder". Frequently, serial killers will leave M&Ms as their trademark "call sign."

M&Ms with peanuts a delicious treat at a movie, picnic, or anytime!

Snickers Snickers eaters tend to cynically laugh at the dreary, less nougaty world around them. They're packed with scorn, derision, and peanuts.

Baby Ruth Namesake of the famed portly ballplayer. Is it coincidental that Baby Ruth devotees are a bit on the pudgy side as well? Think again!

Butterfinger You can spot this comestible's enthusiasts by their plump digits, slowly transforming into real butter before our very eyes. It is quite horrible. Just kidding! You can spot them by their giant fucking fat candy asses.

Clark Bar If you or anyone you know has actually eaten one of these things there's a shiny nickel in it for you.

5th Avenue These candies, by law, may only be sold within one block of New York City, New York's fabled 5th Avenue, making its adherents almost exclusively tourists from Connecticut. If you see any at your local convenience mart, IMMEDIATELY report the manager to the US Immigration and Customs Interior Enforcement division, by calling 1-866-DHS-2-ICE.

Hershey Bar Psh. Nice chocolate bar, grandma!

Hershey's Kisses You will know a gentle lover by this sweet little candy. A perennial favorite, far outstripping the sales of Hershey's Aggressive and Undesired Sexual Advances.

Licorice People who eat licorice taste like tree bark. Lick one if you don't believe me. They don't mind, as they lack what we humans call "feelings."

Mr. Goodbar Those who favor this chocolatey, peanutty snack have no common characteristics, except a compulsion to bore you with the entire fucking history of the goddamned Mr. Cocksucking Goodbar.

Nut Rageous You would expect people who eat this stuff would be really, really angry, but they're actually not. Although their propensity for huge, shapely breasts may very well send you into a "nut rage."

Oh Henry The twist ending is that they suck. Thankfully, so do their comely female admirers.

Raisinettes The subconscious cry for help of the closeted homosexual; the genuinely straight man eats only Raisineers.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Designed for mustard gas victims after World War I, this candy is generally eaten only by people who cannot taste actual peanut butter (what they don't know won't hurt'em!)

Skittles Renamed after the product was launched disastrously under the more accurate flavor description "Spittles." Watch out! The Skittles fancier rarely chews with a closed mouth.

Starburst Ever wonder why people who eat ten Starbursts a day never seem to get cancer? Well, now you do.

Symphony Toffee Bar Take this to the bank: anyone who eats this candy is a fucking asshole.

Tootsie Roll The flirty Tootsie Roll fanatic will let you take her home, reveal he's a cross-dresser, "cold cock" you and trade your wallet for a gallon of bathtub gin. Hey, I'm just the messenger.

Whatchamacallit Last refuge of the terminally absent-minded, this was named so that the forgetful would never starve; its meager distribution, however has resulted in a veritable holocaust of amnesics.

York Peppermint Pattie Rare among processed foods, this one gives you the power to predict the future, as you will be doing exactly what its name suggests only minutes after ingestion.

Read more about hilarious candy bars here.

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