famous religions

(and why they failed)

Hinduism

Hinduists believed that the universe was divided into five
different levels of consciousness, and through decades of meditation
and recitation of the holy book the Bhagavad Gita, the ultimate one-ness with
Universe could be attained
Reason for failure:
the Bhagavad Gita is really, really boring

Bahá'í

Followers of this faith believe in the sacredness of all life. Bahá'u'lláhs, wearing
simple robes and the distinctive Baha hat, made helping each other and
living in harmony with the world their sacred duty in life. Within a
decade, sickness, poverty and war was eliminated in their communities.
Reason for Failure:
The Baha hat was kind of gay.

Larryism

Followers of this unique sect worshiped a deity they
called "Larry" who would provide them with all their earthly needs
provided they lived a modest life of sacrifice and prayer.
Reason for Failure:
Larry who was actually just some dude who worked at
Blockbuster, was never really that into the whole 'Larryism' thing.

Zoroastrianism

Reason for Failure: Shitty name.

Godism

Okay, there really isn't a religion called "Godism," but shouldn't there be? Though we call Him by many names in many languages, aren't we, underneath, worshiping the same Deity? Maybe if all the cultures of the world joined their prayers together in one brand new religion, Godism, we'd have fewer conflicts and misunderstandings.
Reason for Failure:
In addition to combining the underlying truths from all major religions, I like to imagine that Godists also participate in ritual human slaughter, a practice that would quickly lead to its decline.

Islam

So far the world's only religion that requires its adherents to master the professional wrestling move known as the 'brain buster.' In the ring, Islamish people wear garish costumes and face coverings known as 'wrestling mosques.'
Reason for failure:
The golden championship belt was sold off for budgetary reasons and replaced by a less popular model packed with nails and ball bearings.
 
Judaism
The Judish people believed that an ancient man named Noah gathered his family and some animals into a large boat, or 'ark,' and in this way survived a catastrophic flood; the ark was later lost.
Reason for failure:
I don't know, nobody was into it that much. You know, Steve stopped coming to the meetings and I guess we all got into lots of other cool shit. No big.
 
Christy Ann-ity
The worship of Christy Ann Hollingwood, of Lubbock, TX. 
Reason for failure:
Largely abandoned when she got married and totally let herself go.

Catholicism

Let's just say these guys are really, really into beanie babies.
Reason for failure:
Outbid on ebay for original 'Flash the Dolphin' by candiangel1968, religion decides to say, 'fuck it.'

Buddhism

Teaches its followers to forego earthy fears and desires in order to achieve spiritual perfection, emphasizing harmony in temporal relationships and prudence in fiscal matters.
Reason for failure: They all got super fat.


Wicca

Mixing traditions from all the major religions with smelly candles, it is not unusual for Wiccans to enjoy a meal of matzo ball soup and Christ's body before sacrificing a captured enemy to a handful of sun gods.
Reason for failure: Too stupid.

New Ageism

New Agers look to nature or, more frequently, endlessly tedious CDs that sound like nature, as they attempt to live in perfect harmony with the goddess' true path.
Reason for failure: FAILURE? Dare you question the deadly omnipotance of our New Age Lord and Master? Repent lest ye be struck down by her jealous wrath!

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