Today’s Topic: The DJ.

Point: DJ’s and DJ Music are Shitty.
by Tony Zaret

Last weekend I went out to not one but TWO dance clubs in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is supposed to be coolest place to party in the country. The dance clubs were full of cool people in cool clothes. The drinks were flowing, and the night was hot. But nobody was dancing or having any fun. People were just mulling about, staring at their own feet, or talking about nothing to their friends. This is because the DJ music was so shitty. It was like, beep boop boop beep doon dee doon dee doon dee doon dee. It didn't get louder or softer, it didn't have anything in it at all other than something that came from somebody pushing a couple buttons. It is bad enough to pay money to these clubs to encourage this shitty music, but the people who play the music are huge assholes, and should die. Their only job is to put on a fun record that people will party to. They don't have to learn anything about music, or math, or dancing. All they have to do is press play on their record player or laptop, and they never even do that right. Just beep boop beep.

Then, afterwords, I went into Manhattan. I figured, well, maybe I am just not cool enough for Williamsburg. I will go into the heart of the city, the music there will be easier to relate to. Well, the music there was different, but in a way that made me want to kill myself. You see, the people at the club in the city were dancing and having fun, alright. But they were the kind of inhuman shitholes that think it is fun to hear the Human League, A-Ha and Madonna again, and again, and again, and again. Oh look! It is a white person who knows the words to "Rapper's Delight"! Please point your fingers around in an aggressive manner as you display your knowledge of this 35-year-old musical turd for all to see. The DJ in the city was too lazy to play any song that these choads hadn't heard one trillion times. Him and the beep boop beep boop DJ are both pestulent douchebags of the highest order.

Mr. Zaret is a writer and performer living in New York. More of his writing can be found here. For upcoming performances, write to

Counterpoint: Come See Me DJ this Weekend.
by Anton Z

Dude, you gotta come down to the Club this weekend. I am going to "DJ." I am going to play some records I bought at the store. I know it sounds hard, but I will actually be putting them on the record player, and turning the record player on. Hang on while I put on my Adidas warm-up jacket from 1982. Ok, now I don't want to blow your mind too much, but I will switch from one record to another one when I feel that people are sick of the first record. You heard me. You totally got to come and see me do this, otherwise you will be stuck being somewhere else, where I will not be putting records on a record player.

Anton Z is a DJ. He'll be appearing at the Club this weekend.